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Wednesday 13th September 2017


With Phoebe at her nan’s and Catie out in London, it was just me and my dog for a lot of today. I took her to the vets, where we got a whole load of contradictory advice. And following my philosophy of going along with the last person I spoke to, I’ve decided to do all the things that vet says now, rather than the trainer, who superseded the original owner. I wonder who I will listen to next.
Wolfie had a bit of an upset stomach today, which I reckon might be something to do with the dead and rotten smelling frog she ate on yesterday’s walk. She dug it up and had it in her mouth like a big bit of chewing gum before I could stop her and she would not relinquish it. How did dogs manage to survive as a species? By getting so fucking rock hard that eating a frog that smelled of nothing but two-day old death only gives them a mild case of the suits.
Later Wolfie would taunt me by running around the garden with a bit chunk of polystyrene in her mouth. It was like she knew that this was my Kryptonite. But my love for her (and what use is love if you can fall so easily with whatever creature happens to cross your path? But my love is already deep and true) meant I couldn’t risk her swallowing the little chunks that she was biting off and so had to overcome my fear and repellence and go and grab the stuff that I hate and pull it from her mouth and just eat up the screeching sound that it made.
I went to the Post Office that is five minutes walk from my house. I was second in the queue and in and out in 3 minutes. The countryside is good for my blood pressure but not my blogs.
Wolfie slept through the afternoon, when she didn’t need to go outside to shit up some dead frog (I wouldn’t mind, but she turned up her nose at the fresh carrots I gave her yesterday - what’s wrong with her?) I made some good progress on the third draft of my second script for Everything Happens (For No Reason). It’s taken a month to have the time to sit down and do this rewrite, but now I have some spare moments, the dialogue and ideas are coming thick and fast. My writing has been good this year. Hopefully someone other than me will recognise that and I can get another chance to get a scripted thing on to the telly. Surely this time. Hopefully in this Universe.
I was going into town this evening to watch some short films (including a 15 minute cut of the Robot Sex sketches that director Ben Mallaby has put together to put into festivals and so on). I completed the script on the 30 minute journey and felt pretty good about myself. Then I arrived at King’s Cross where the queues to get through the barriers to the tube were 20 people deep. I was running late so opted for a cab and had to queue another 10 minutes and the traffic was terrible.
It hasn’t taken me long to fucking hate London and conclude that only an idiot would live here for 28 years. Thank God I got out in 27 years and 10 months.
It was good to have a night out, but I realised on the train in that I couldn’t get pissed as I had left my car at the station for the final bit of the journey home. I felt a bit self-conscious watching myself, but was gratified that the film was getting laughs loud enough to drown out the next bit of dialogue. We’ve lost lots of the funny bits to get the film down to length. I thought maybe it dragged a little bit in the middle (it was after all something written to be enjoyed episodically, so might be a bit much toaster sex for all in one go. But occasional gripes about my over acting aside, I think it’s a fun and quite topical film. The “character” that I play is not so different to the man who appeared on This Morning this week who is happy for his sex robot to sit around the house with his kids.
Really great to see the extremely high quality of work that is being made by other short film makers too. The standard is very impressive. In some ways it made the story of a man trying to fuck a toaster robot seem a bit silly.

Loads more stuff going up online for you to enjoy.
The second episode of Relativity is now available (as is the first) on the BBC Radio Player. I listened to some of it in the car and it made me laugh and cry a little bit.  It’s quite unusual for me to enjoy my own stuff, but there were loads of bits I’d forgotten and I think it might actually be quite good. Great cast and good production certainly helps. 

And RHLSTP with the spiky and yet vulnerable and brilliantly witty Julian Clary went up today too

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