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Saturday 7th January 2017


Finished the first draft of episode 1 of Relativity this afternoon. I think I can make this work. I will devote this week to AIOTM episode 5 (and casting Everything Happens For No Reason) and then have the days to write the remaining three episodes of Relativity, before filming EHFNR at the end of the month. Then all I have to do is write one more episode of AIOTM, head off on tour and rewrite and then record Relativity in March. Then write an Edinburgh show and do 34 episodes of RHLSTP. And maybe write a series of EHFNR and then that’s 2017 done. Apart from probably moving house. Pimpsy.
Weirdly that all feels do-able. And as a self-employed man it’s nice to have enough work to see me through the year already, regardless of what else might crop up. 
Anyway, it was lots of fun putting this first script together, so if the rest of the year is as much fun then it’s all good. It's cool to be enjoying this part of my job again.
My family were out, so I made myself lunch. We had two packs of prawns, but their sell-by date was yesterday which meant my cautious wife didn’t want to eat them. I am not as cautious and hate wasting food, especially if an animal has given its life (if a prawn can be called an animal), so I was forced to make a dish incorporating 360 grams of King Prawns that I was going to eat by myself. I did them with garlic, chilli and tomatoes (and also some broccoli because that was 5 days past its sell by date) and pasta. It was too many prawns, if I am honest, but I didn’t want them to have died in vain. Of course, my wife thought I was insane when she found out what I’d done and warned me of the 4 days of food poisoning that would follow. So even if I got food poisoning I would not be able to admit it and would have to try and cover it up. I couldn’t allow her to be right. Although it the worst came to the worst I could blame the broccoli. It’s the patsy of the food world. Which must be annoying for the pasty.
But look, by the time I ate them the prawns were technically only 13 hours past their sell-by date. No supermarket could be that precise. The raw prawns smelled fine anyway and I licked them to check they tasted ok (I didn’t, you fucking idiot). My lunch was lovely, though I did feel a bit sick: partly due to suggestion and partly because I’d eaten far too much food.

And although food poisoning can take its sweet time, I’ve survived 24 hours with our repercussions. I am sure that I will eventually die trying to prove some ridiculous point to my wife, but not today.

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