I went to Pret a Manger this morning to write my blog and have a Vitamin Volcano (not a euphemism) and a Godfrey (not a euphemism, it's a gingerbread man). When I got to the counter the woman said "Would you like this cappuccino too. It's complimentary." Obviously they had mixed up orders or made one too many. I had just had a coffee in Starbucks (and had moved because my computer was out of juice and I couldn't find a plug), but that didn't stop me. A free coffee is a free coffee. I had won. I was £2.10 up (if you don't count the £4 I'd already spent on some juice and a biscuit). My day was not going to get any better than this. It was too perfect. I had been stupid to buy a gingerbread man - not because I am 46, but because you really need a coffee for that to be enjoyable. And then I had been given a free coffee. I think that proves there is a God. The clues are all there. The biscuit is called a Godfrey. And I had got a free coffee. God - Free. Also God will free you or something probably. And he might be made of gingerbread and have oversized buttons made out of Smarties. I fucking hope so. Imagine if when you get to Heaven God turns out to be a gingerbread man and he lets you eat him. Suddenly the eucharist makes perfect sense. In fact I am going to set up an alternate church where instead of getting wine and those horrible wafer biscuits you get cappuccino and gingerbread and/or smarties. Then when everyone's high off of the caffeine and sugar rush I will hand the collection plate around and make a fortune.
Also Pret means ready and a manger is what Jesus was born in (or probably placed in after he was born, unless Mary had a really good aim and chose to squeeze him out into the trough to save the trouble of having to carry him there). I am not a religious man, but I am sure that what all this means is that the Messiah is about to return and you will recognise him because he'll be a gingerbread man who doesn't mind you having a bite of him.
I may have got distracted. Even if my new religion is wrong there is nothing like getting something for free. I felt like a god.... shit, does that mean I am ther gingerbread god? Worship me anyway, just in case. Cos if it turns out that I am and you didn't believe in me I am going to punish the shit out of you after you're dead. You're only going to be allowed to eat my gingerbread dick and that's not icing that's coming out of it.
Why take that risk? Worship me. I got a free cappuccino. What more evidence do you need?
Otherwise I spent the day prepping for the first night of the London run of We're All Going To Die! It was a solid opening night. I'd sold about 200 tickets, which is fine. Part of me is annoyed that after all this time I still can't sell out six nights in a medium sized theatre in the capital city, but then I remember all the years of playing to 20 people a night and realise that 200 people on a Tuesday is pretty impressive. And they were a quality crowd who seemed to enjoy it so hopefully they can tell their friends about me and convince them that even though I am not on TV I am still quite good! Things got a little bit shaky at the start of the second half where I tried out the newer routines (plus one that I dropped in July because the show was too long, but can't completely remember). But on the whole it was a good performance. I hadn't gone through it all beforehand (as I was trying to learn the new bits) so occasionally it felt like the next bit was out of reach, but somehow it all just came back to me in time. I am really looking forward to continuing to work on and improve this show. It feels like it's a good one. Come and see it if you can.
If you download the Yplan app you will be able to buy tickets for Wednesday and Thursday night's shows for just £12.50 (and no booking fees), saving yourself at least £2.50 a ticket.
