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Tuesday 8th October 2019

6141/19071

Squirrels slightly disrupted my day today. My wife and I had plans to make a quick trip to the gym before getting on with our work, but our car had been parked under a tree for a couple of days and the squirrels (I presume - I not an animal turn expert) had taken the opportunity to use it as a toilet and shit all over it from a moderate height. The little soft turds with a hazelnut in every bite were all over the roof, the windscreen, the wing mirrors and as it turned out the door handle. I had to clean squirrel shit off my hand, which is never a good start to the day. And I didn’t fancy wasting time getting out the hose and setting it up and parking up somewhere where I could use it, so resolved to make a quick trip to the car wash at our nearest petrol station.
I have used this a few times and never had a problem, but maybe because I was aware we were wasting time, or possibly due to stupidity caused by tiredness I didn’t pull into the carwash correctly. I felt like I had got caught up on the central bump so pulled back and drove in again. But in actuality I was already too far over to the left and had just gone a bit further and my incorrect positioning caused the car wash to stop and when a man finally came out to help us he told us that it would need to be reset, so as we had wasted about half an hour already, we just got on our way with our squirrel shit covered car and I used a wet wipe to get most of the shit off once we’d got to the gym. It wasn’t ideal and we were now much later than we’d planned to be and I had more squirrel shit on me.
You might say some of this was down to my now incompetence, but those squirrels changed my day and my life and consequently your life too (you wouldn’t have read this story without them, but in any case the ripples in time caused by my altered morning will have reached you already. I am going to write a film about it called Squirrel Shit On Car showing the two different time lines. In the other one I get off with Gwyneth Paltrow, so that’s another victory for the squirrels. Rats-with-fluffy-tail-fuckers.
It did mean that we got to revisit the car wash later with the kids after school. My son looked terrified throughout the experience but afterwards said it was “amazing”. So I was glad I got to see that. So maybe I owe the squirrels after all.


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