What I want to know is what have I ever done to the squirrels?
I can't think of one negative thing. Possibly in my mind I have idly compared them to rats with bushy tails that give them an illusion of cuteness. But the squirrels couldn't know about that. Could they?
Surely if squirrels were capable of reading minds then they could only read squirrel minds. And if they could read squirrel minds then I don't think they'd even bother, as all they'd be reading would be "You know what, I really fancy a nut." Or possibly, "I wonder where I put that nut I had." I can't read minds and I can still read a squirrel's mind. Surely our human thoughts aren't equally as decipherable to squirrels.
You know I think they must be. Those squirrels must have caught me thinking that no-one would let them in their gardens if they didn't have the big tails and they've seen me a threat.
That's the only explanation as to why a load of squirrels have chosen to shit all over my car. There's squirrel shit all over it (and I want to tell you that it doesn't have a hazelnut in every bite as the Topic advert based joke once claimed - this shit is comprised principally of red berries).
You might say that this is my own fault for parking my car under a berry tree and that the squirrels are simply defecating on the car because they are spending a lot of time in the tree.
But nothing in this world is accidental, my friends. Those squirrels know exactly what they are doing. And they've started a war. A war which will end with them having their tails cut off with a carving knife and being seen by all as the leaping rats that they so obviously are.
Unless when I get up tomorrow morning they've cleaned all the shit off my car.
Then we can go back to the uneasy truce that we've maintained for the last 36 years.
You may say that the squirrels might win the war and ask me whether I haven't seen the film "Planet of the Squirrels" where squirrels are intelligent and have made man their slaves.
And I would say, "All the more reason to stop the squirrels now before they all acquire the power of speech and join their leader in hiding, Tufty."
Some days there is just nothing to write about, you know.
