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Ernie had his first bout of existential dread today, crying and shouting "I don't want to die! I don't want to die!"
Sorry son, if you're anything like you're dad this is going to be a daily occurrence between now and whenever you finally do die. Probably in the next century mate, so don't worry too much yet. I am sad I won't be joining you. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.
Catie did a good job of explaining that dying is a long way off and that people believe different things might happen, like going to Heaven or being reincarnated. The kind of stuff you say to kids to make things less scary. And that it would be ridiculous for any adult to believe in. It's nice when you can see why certain things happen.
I can't talk. I am the most childish 58-year-old on the planet. But I've noticed a few things whilst I've been down here that make it pretty unlikely that anything happens once we've breathed our last. As I've said before the prospect of everlasting life is much more scary to me than just ceasing to exist. Especially if you're getting rid of the bit of me I like the best - my entire body.
Don't worry if that thought scares you. Maybe you transform into a different kind of energy. But remember it's a form of energy where you can't eat, drink, shag, wank, shit or run around the meadow. Unless you reincarnate, but what are the chances that you're going for an upgrade. You know it's downgrade all the way. And you have to work your way up from dung beetle to human again. In spite of the difficulty of being a dung beetle who is morally pure enough to deserve the upgrade.
I do want to die at some point - not just yet, my body, so stop trying to fucking kill me. I suspect that I will always want another week. But maybe if my brain turns to mush first then it won't matter.
I'd quite like to avoid the brain mush bit too. Probably more than the death bit. I'd like to be conscious and sharp enough to understand it was ending and to enjoy this singular experience (though a few people get to die a couple of times - be nice to have a practice, just so the real thing isn't too scary).
It's probably good that Catie talked Ernie down. He feels thing so strongly. His life is going to amazing and occasionally terrifying. I hope he grabs hold of life more than I have done. I know I should be seizing the day, but come on. It's a lot of effort.
I always accidentally let go when I'm meant to be seizing and seize when I'm meant to be letting go.
But enough about my masturbation technique.
There he is.
Probably avoid seizing anything down there. Might be why I ended up losing a ball. Those things need a gentle touch.
I played tennis this morning in the rain and then dried my balls on the hall radiator.
Again not something you want to try with your actual balls.
Then I did a supermarket shop and then this and yesterday's gigs caught up with me and I had a nap. But in that nap of death what dreams may come. Just those weird ones where you're still sort of awake and sounds round the house are incorporated.
A lovely retro RHLSTP with the brilliant Al Murray (that's AL not AI - so annoyed about the lower case l, upper case I confusion. Sort it out Einstein).
