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If you know anything about me then you know I am addicted to Cadbury's Giant Chocolate Buttons. Some showbiz types are into nose cocaines or arm heroins, but my drug of choice is an adult version of a child's snack. And it's a much harder addiction to kick because if you want to stop taking lung-marijuanas then you can make sure there's none in the house, but if you have kids there are chocolate buttons all over the fucking place. Imagine you're going cold turkey off of bum-cracks (I assume that drug is taken anally, hence the name) and there are bags of the stuff in the cupboard and you can pick up more in Waitrose. This is why chocolate buttons are the hardest drug to get off.
I will eat regular chocolate buttons, but they don't do it for me in the same way.
And I can give up my addiction for long periods and think I am over it, but then I slip back and the kids chocolate drawer is emptied into my mouth. I sure love those stomach-giant-chocolate buttons. I keep kidding myself I can eat a couple and leave it. But I can't.
Last week I saw that Waitrose were selling Mega Chocolate Buttons and assumed that this was just a big pack of Giant Chocolate Buttons. I felt strong. I felt that I could handle it. My chocolate button days were behind me. I'd buy these for the kids and I wouldn't touch them. The sub-conscious part of my brain was laughing at me. It knew I'd crack like someone on crack (actually maybe that's why it's called crack).
I did indeed button today. I opened the Mega pack to discover it isn't the pack that's Mega. It's the buttons. They were huge. Twice the size of Giant buttons. I tried one and it was too much, even for an addict like me. It was too much button for one man. God forbid a child got their hands on this. It wasn't a button at all, but something different and something more dangerous. I forced myself to have more, because I couldn't risk the kids having these and did, with difficulty manage to finish off the pack. Usually at the end of a family pack of Giant Buttons you feel sick and disgusted with yourself. Each Mega Button made me feel this way.
And though I didn't overdose, just felt depressed and fat, I am worried that this will see an escalation in the button industry. I thought they'd stop at Giant Buttons, just like I thought they'd know that two blades was enough for a razor, but now some madman has gone Mega and it's only a matter of time before someone else thinks of making these things humungous. The sky is the literal limit. Unless someone makes a button big enough to reach outer space. And then one as big as the galaxy (you can bet your bottom dollar what chocolate that will be made out of) and then the Universe and then a button the size of the mind of God.
I feel like Charlton Heston kneeling in the sand saying "They did it. The mad bastards" etc. Can no one but me see what has been unleashed here?
I went out on my Button high and did a stone clearing podcast, but I actually think it was too mental to release. And that is saying something. I may reconsider.
