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Monday 12th January 2015


4432/17351
I am 47 and a half today. Three quarters of the way through my forties. In a way that's terrifying as it seems seconds ago that I was complaining about turning 40, but on the other hand I've pretty much convinced myself that I am already 50, so to realise that I have two and a half year to go is sort of liberating. I mean, being 50 is terrifying old for a man who still feels like he is 8, but I have a nice run up to it and can use the 30 months I have left to try and achieve something. I don't know what that should be though. Maybe to get a job that would ensure some long-term security for my family. Or maybe I should leave it until I am 50 before I start worrying about that. Still the countdown to "Oh Frig, I'm 50" has begun. I wonder what breakdowns and crises I will go through this time.

My wife is remaining remarkably active for a woman who is over 8 months pregnant. In fact I am beginning to expect that she’s just faking the whole thing and just has a cushion stuffed up her jumper. We walked the three miles to the hospital to discuss what’s going to be going on on the rapidly approaching day. Which meant more free hand sanitiser for me, suckers. I am going to take the NHS down.
Catie got a cab home (lazy, much?), but I decided to run through the rain. I very nearly beat the car, thanks to shitty London traffic. I also had to bravely step in and try to assist in an life-threatening incident. I didn’t see what happened, but a cyclist passed me on the road and then I heard a strange yelp and the sound of grinding metal. I looked over to see that the bike was in the gutter and the cyclist lying on top of it. It took a second to process this and I wondered if she had been hit by a car, or just had a heart attack. It seemed that no one else was involved and the cyclist was lying pretty still in the gutter. The cautious part of me was telling me this was some kind of trap or that the cyclist must be drunk or on drugs and that I should run on by, but luckily the nicer part of me (and I can’t tell you if that’s Me1 or Me2 in this case) thought I should check everything was OK. 
The woman was still lying in the gutter of this busy road and had made no attempt to get up. “Are you all right?” I asked. She looked up at my smiling, clearly not a drunk or a drug addict and said she was fine. I think she was just embarrassed that she’d fallen off her bike for no obvious reason and hoped that by lying where she was that no one would notice. I was a bit concerned that a car might hit her. “Do you want a hand getting up?"
“No, no, I’m fine, “ she chirruped, smiling up at me, but still making no attempt to get up. I didn’t feel like this was something that I could insist upon, but she still made no effort to get out of slight danger. I judged, correctly I think, that her English sense of embarrassment had overridden her safety and that she didn’t want anyone to focus on the silly mistake she had somehow made and that I had to leave her to get up in her own good time. I looked behind me to check the traffic and the cars that were there were not driving near to her. So I left her lying in the gutter, smiling politely and feeling embarrassed and carried on running. I hope she’s not still there. It would be awful if she’d broken her leg but was too mortified to admit it. I guess if she lies there long enough people will just assume she’s meant to be there and so her mistake will go unremarked.

For those of you who are from the future and eschew DVDs, “We’re All Going To Die!” is now available as a paid download for only £5. It’s just the show (so if you want all the extras buy the DVD) though Chris Evans (not that one) is thinking of making a couple of the extras available on the download. A few of the early shows are also on download and if this service proves popular enough we will add more. 
If you prefer the old ways like some kind of Nigel Farage/Stewart Lee then you can buy the DVD from that same link. Though annoyingly it's not available in the betamax video format that both those gentlemen insist is more English/a preferable format (respectively), but we're working on it for all racists/Luddites. And I am also prepared to travel to your house in a  horse-drawn cart and perform the show as a medieval mystery play if you prefer that format.
A couple of the eBay auctions are approaching their end. You can bid on various bits and bobs here. All the money will go towards making new internet content.
But will be adding similar things to the monthly draw prizes for monthly subscribers, so if those are a bit expensive, take your chances by donating a pound or more a month here. You are entered into all future draws, one entry for every pound a month that you give.


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Buy my new book/ebook/audiobook "Would You Rather?" (get stickers and a signed bookplate from gfs. Also available as a very different audiobook with the brilliant Stevie Martin
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