Oh Fudge, I’m 49.
I can’t quite believe it, but yesterday I entered the final year of my forties and now there’s only 364 days and counting until the dreaded 5-0.
I am just getting over the existential dread of turning 40 and now I’ve blinked and another decade has evaporated. And what have I got to show for it?
A wife and a child? Oh, big deal!
Life is whizzing by and my body is crumbling faster than that Nazi who turns into a skellington at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (spoiler alert).
My wife was keen to celebrate my birthday, but I don’t see why I’d want to. They come round so fast now that it would just be easier to celebrate those rare days when I am not suddenly a year older. It’s no excuse for a party. If I wake up tomorrow and I am 25 again, then yeah, let’s go fricking crazy. Otherwise leave me alone.
All over the internet I see lists of 50 things to do before I am 50/die (same thing). I don’t have time for that many. Here’s five things I hope to do by July 2017.
1) Make love with Funella from Furchester Hotel – I’m obsessed with the flamboyant, Muppet from this Cbeebies show. I don’t know what it is about her, but she looks like she’s up for it and my wife has said that if I can persuade Funella (and her puppeteer and voice over artist) to come to bed with me, then she’s fine with it. Also Rebecca from Let’s Play. My wife says she’s not fine with that.
2) Visit the Museum of Brands, Packaging and Advertising in Ladbroke Grove - I know I should be doing something exotic and adventurous like traversing the Salar de Uyuni in Bolivia, but there’s loads of things I haven’t managed to do within a five mile radius of my house. Like going to a museum where you can see what Frosties packets used to look like in the 1950s. Be realistic.
3) Watch Das Boot – I have bought the Das Boot four times, on video, extended director’s cut video, DVD and in book form, but I have never watched/read it. It’s just so long. And it’s not even about boots. Or Boots. Because Das Boot means “The Boat”. It’s not even about a boat. It’s about a submarine. No wonder I can’t face it.
4) Win The Turner Prize – as you’ll know if you’re a regular reader I fancy myself as a conceptual artist (you can see me playing snooker against myself at the Tempting Failure festival at the end of the month). I am forever having ideas that are easily as good as sawing a cow in half or failing to make my bed. But I literally only have a year to win the Turner Prize because it’s for under-50s only!
5) Refuse to take part in any kind of bucket list challenge – Surely the greatest achievement for any human being is to overcome their pathetic mid-to-late-life crisis and have nothing to do with stupid lists. Just accept that your life is dull and that you’re sitting there essentially waiting for it to end and that there’s no point in having a couple of days of excitement in the meantime as that’ll just amplify how tedious the regular days are.
That’s the only ambition I need and I will do my best to achieve it. Though if Funella, her puppeteer and voice over artist are up for my indecent proposal, do get in touch.
The political situation is moving so fast that topical comedy is almost impossible to create. Jokes written on an afternoon are out of date by the evening. The morning newspaper looks like a history book by lunchtime. The uncertainty of what is happening is terrifying. The other night my wife said, "I can't sleep. I am so worried about Brexit." I said, "Lay back and don't think of England."