All right alcohol, I gave you a chance. But I think you and me are done.
I just had three bottles of beer and a whisky last night, which is hardly on a par with the 18 whiskies that Dylan Thomas claimed to have drunk on the night of his death, but in the early hours I woke up, feeling nauseous and fearing a repeat of that awful birthday night in Ipswich.
After such a trifling amount of alcohol this was pathetic. I wasn’t sick in the end, though it might have been better if I had been, but I had to lie down on the cold bathroom tiles to make myself feel better.The brief pleasure that the booze had given me wasn’t worth this unpleasant disruption to my sleep, or indeed to the rest of my day. My month’s holiday is at an end and so is my flirtation with booze. That such a small amount of it can punch me in the guts this way is surely a sign from my battered body to leave it all behind. It makes me feel sad, but the passing of many youthful pleasures lead to a mixture of melancholy and relief. Nice to head back to work feeling literally nauseated by the idea of partying. If four drinks followed by going to bed at midnight can be classified as a party. Which sadly it can.
I spent the journey playing Terminator 2 pinball (imagine if I had wanted to do that in the 1990s how tricky it would have been -and the table would just have tilted all the time) and tweeting about MPs penises. I think Brook Newmark’s face looks quite like a penis as it is, so wondered if he’d actually sent a head shot which had been mistaken for a “head” shot. But then I realised that Mark Reckless’ head looks even more like a penis. In fact I think he might just be a giant penise dressed up in a suit with false shoulders on it. Check him out. He has no neck and a very penisy head. What if David Icke is only half-right and the world is ruled by a cabal of six foot tall penises? On some level that is definitely true.
The Brook Newmark story (have all Tory MPs been renamed by the unimaginative satirical brain of William Thackeray?) is a pretty despicable piece of journalism. A journalist pretending to be an attractive woman flirty-fishes a few MPs until one takes the bait and he lands a fish (or really an unpleasant looking eel - but one that I’d warrant is still more attractive than Brook Newmark’s face). He must have punched the air when he got the front page, but it came at the cost of having had to look at a picture of Brook Newmark’s engorged penis. Which takes the shine off for me. I would imagine that once you’ve seen that then it’s burnt into your retinas and you see it every time you blink for the rest of your life.
I am not sure it’s worth wrecking someone’s career and worse, embarrassing them in front of their own children, for such a minor thing, especially given the entrapment involved. Weak and pathetic of him, for sure and very short-sighted, but completely human. They wouldn’t have bothered attempting the sting if it wasn’t incredibly likely to bear fruit. Middle-aged men are stupid idiots. I know, because I am one. And in any case I think all elected politicians should send out pictures of their engorged genitals to any of their constituents who want to see them. I am not proposing they stick them through people’s letterboxes unbidden. But if I am going to vote for someone I would ideally like a idea of what they’ve got in their pants and how capable they are of getting it aroused. I want full disclosure. Because if they can’t get an erection, then they shouldn’t be in the election.
I’d quite like Cameron, Clegg, Milliband and Farage to get them out and work them up, and only then will I make a choice about which one gets my vote. In fact maybe we should judge politicians only by their genitals and have no other information about them. It would make the posters people put up in their windows a lot of fun.
Once again the journalist carrying out the sting on his new mark is a much more unpleasant and disgusting character than the man he has brought down. And the worst thing about all this is that I feel sorry for a Tory, which is something that should never happen.