With my RHLSTP Slytherine notebook nearly full, I need to find another place to write my questions and reminders and perverse fan sex fantasies for my guests. Now I am 47 and about to become a father I feel embarrassed that I have been using such a childish notebook. And thinking about it, am I really even showing that I hate Harry Potter by buying a Slytherine notebook. I thought it would be one in the eye for JK Rowling, but now I think about it, she probably gets just as much money from a sale of a Slytherine product than she does from one for Hufflepuff or whatever the other houses are called (I don’t know because I hate Harry Potter - that’s why I am deliberately spelling Slytherine wrong). I should have found out what percentage of notebook sales actually went to Voldermort to fund his anti-Potter war. I am beginning to wonder if he even gets any of it.
Though the Slytherine notebook should last to the end of this series, I managed to get a more grown up replacement today (and at only £12.99 a full five pounds cheaper than the Slytherine rip-off). I bought a Game of Thrones notebook. That’s more grown up because Game of Thrones has some bare bums in it. And boobs. And sometimes someone says cunt.
I had to choose which House I wanted to be part of and because I am pure evil I plumped for House Lannister, not because I enjoy having incestuous sex with my sister and producing an evil child king (well not just because of that), but because I am very much like and identify with Tyrion Lannister. I know what it is to be dismissed and ridiculed because of my height. And to (spoiler alert) murder my father on a toilet (always chose the lavatory as the place of your killings if you want to get away with it). I want Peter Dinklage to play me in the film about my life. Though might just have to settle with re-editing Game of Thrones so everyone calls Tyrion, Richard Keith. It’s practically the same story as I said.
So thank goodness I have achieved more maturity and some self-awareness about how pathetic the Slytherine notebook was and have moved on with my life.
Once the Slytherine book is full I plan to auction it off to raise money for future internet work. As I said to Sara Pascoe in the upcoming episode I just hope it raises more than the £17.99 that the notebook cost me.
Here’s a rare thing, a Metro article that hasn’t appeared in some form as a blog or stand up routine. Hope you enjoy it.
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Lord of the Dance Settee hits Brighton on Friday. Still some tickets, but this usually sells out, so book now.