I had tweeted the Action Aid interview that I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, complete with the picture of me aged around about 10 at Fairland’s Middle School. David Baddiel tweeted “That picture is so full of hope” and asked that someone juxtapose it against my current Twitter picture. Action Aid did the necessary job and the evidence is there for all to see. It’s a work of art that I like to call “The Crushing of Dreams”. Such promise and hope turning into sad acceptance of failure in just four decades.
There is so little in common between the boy and the man that it reminded me first of all of the Rene Zellwegger “controversy” - we all like to imagine that time has not changed us and so focus on the ageing of others to distract ourselves from the fact that we too are older. The years take a toll and change the shape of our face.
But then it struck me that really this is more like the Paul McCartney is dead conspiracy theories. Is it possible that the boy in the first picture is not the man in the second. That at some point in the intervening years I died and have been replaced by a lookalike. There is much to suggest that we’re dealing with two individuals here. Firstly the boy’s eyebrows are dark and full and rather beautiful, but the man barely has eyebrows at all and what is there is sparse and light and wiry. Next the noses are clearly different, a kink has developed halfway up the proboscis and there is a clear dent in the second photo right between the eyes. The government would have you believe that this alteration was caused by a cricket ball hitting the teenage Herring in the face, but is it not more likely it’s the result of botched plastic surgery, when they attempted to make the lookalike Herring look more alike than he looked. The child’s mouth is bright red and the teeth rather goofy and rabbit like. The adult has duller lips and can comfortably close his mouth and has to in order to hide the smaller, more human teeth that he clearly has. The original Herring has a big round face like a plate and a slightly jutting Jimmy Hill chin, whereas the substitute’s race is more oblong and his chin, even hidden by stubble, is clearly totally unlike the child’s.
And when you look at my work it’s clear that I have left a shit load of clues to my real identity. Admittedly they’ve been subtle. But check out my 2013 show “We’re All Going To Die!” (now available to order on DVD at www.gofasterstripe.com/wagtd, which not only alludes to the death of the real Herring in the title, but also has an image of the Fake Herring crawling out of the grave of the person he replaced. With Me1 Vs Me2 snooker the imposter is similarly teasing us. He knows that he is Me2, his face laughing back at us through a mirror of deceit. "Someone Like Yoghurt” - but who likes it? Why not say “I like yoghurt”? Probably because although Herring junior loved yoghurt, the new Herring is lactose intolerant. And it might also explain who the Herring lookalike is that people keep claiming they have seen. Maybe he’s the real Herring. Or another false Herring being lined up to replace me if I start to suspect I am part of a cover-up.
I have to say that I have little or no memory of any of the things I supposedly did in my 20s and when I watch the TV shows from there it feels like it was a different person.
You might ask why would anyone go to this trouble to replace me. Who knows how or why these people do the things that they do? But look at the evidence in front of your eyes. There’s no way that can be the same person.
To further cement the division tonight I recorded frame 50 of Me 1 Vs Me2 snooker and it’s a genuinely exciting sporting tussle with an unusual degree of skill.
And like I say the We’re All Going To Die DVD is now up for sale on gofasterstripe, though it won’t be shipped until Tuesday. There are loads of extras including the full length episode of the Meaning of Life about Death, an audio Me 1 Vs Me2 snooker frame and a taster tape from the 1987 Oxford Revue (oh dear).
And if you’re quick there’s a special offer on tickets for the Leicester Square Theatre run of “Lord of the Dance Settee”. You can get two for one tickets for the shows from Monday 1st December to Thursday 4th December by quoting SETTEE either on line or by phone. Book here. This offer only runs until Monday 24th November, so book now. And please tell any friends you think might enjoy my stuff about the show. All the free stuff I do depends on my tour making me enough money to live and the London run is central to that.