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If there is a Hell anywhere for people who don't make the cut with St Peter then it is very likely to be Luton - the worst of places filled with the scummiest of people and the cheatingest of football teams.
I'll be doing my show there on 7th February. It's not selling that well, can't imagine why.
I was pretty exhausted (when aren't I?) having done a plodding Park Run this morning and the drive was tougher than it should have been. When we got there a young man was turning all the cars back as there was no room in the car park, but we could park in the retail park opposite. By the time we were back I was ready to die, but the only thing that kept me alive was knowing that if I died I'd be stuck in Luton for all eternity. If I could survive then maybe, like Scrooge, I could change my ways and save my soul. Or just hook myself up to a life support machine so that I never die. Still preferable to Luton.
Inside the trampoline park was worse than Luton though. At least to begin with. The place was packed and confusing and full of shouting kids. This was before we were anywhere near a trampoline. Catie hadn't been feeling well though originally she was going to do this trip. I thanked God I had saved her from this. I may not have been the best husband, but I saved her from this. She'll never know the sacrifice of course, but it may count as a tick on St Peter's positive column when the time comes.
Ernie was very excited. This was the party of a boy from his old school and he is still really missing his former classmates. Ernie would greet each one with a squeal and a hug which they would reciprocate. One seven year old boy is enough, but when they assemble they turn into a monster robot of seven year old boys and the noise and mayhem is a lot. As we waited for our socks and wristband Ernie started shaking one of those claw machines that you can win toys out of and it wobbled precariously before I leapt in to stop him crushing himself.
We were there for a good half an hour before we were allowed near the trampolines - a front desk followed by another desk to fully check in, followed by going into another room to watch a safety video that absolutely no kid took any notice of. Luckily this was the case as the video just showed people actually doing all the things that you were not supposed to do before being told off. But it made double bouncing or hanging off basketball hoops or jumping on the edge of the trampolines look like a lot of fun. I don't think Ernie would have thought of doing half this stuff on his own, but if he'd been watching, rather than rolling around with his friends on the floor, I think he'd definitely have given it a go. As it was he managed to do something that wasn't in the video, climbing a top a diagonal trampoline that people could bounce off.
Luckily once we were out of this room the kids all rushed off to play and the parents could go to the cafe and let them break all the rules and kill themselves. Given my son always manages to find danger I was not super comfortable leaving him to his own devices in what is essentially a child killing field. All his party were wearing orange jackets, but looking down I wasn't really able to tell which one was him. From a distance most seven year old boys look pretty similar and a couple of times I followed the trajectory of a child only to realise it was not my boy.
Mostly though I followed the fortunes of York City on my phone. It was not a good day for them despite a bright start. But at least Luton lost. And if things go right by the end of next season York will be in a higher division than Luton again. If supporting York City teaches you anything it is that things do not go right.
After the bouncing we were put in another tiny room and the noise these 10 kids made was incredible. 50% of it came from my son, showing off to his friends and to be fair, making them laugh. He was told to put his shoes on and he put them on his head. That was his best one. Exhausting, deafening, but my son has been crying at night missing his pals, so I couldn't begrudge him being a daytime nightmare for me. Also everything he is is entirely my fault. He is me. He is my punishment for me being him when I was 7.
