Once again the stand up comedians were proven wrong as our plane landed early and we got through passport control rapidly to find our suitcases already spinning around the carousel. Admittedly we had to wait 16 minutes for the Heathrow Express, but I can't get a routine out of that mild inconvenience. Especially as it then took us to Paddington in only a quarter of an hour.
Boy it was early in the morning. There were schoolkids on the tube. Schoolkids!
I was worried about my lack of sleep and the danger of jet lag, especially as I had a gig at an Insurance Fraud Awards this very night. Sadly it wasn't rewarding people who had successfully defrauded insurers (who are my heroes, but who might blow the gaff a bit if they won an award for it, turning up to the ceremony like Homer Simpson hoping for that free speedboat), but for insurers who had successfully stopped fraud. I'd never have taken the gig if I'd known.
I don't do many corporate gigs (
the last one I can remember doing was this disastrous but brilliant one from about 7 years ago) and was nervous enough about doing my rude humour in front of loads of people who had no idea who I was and who were there for awards not comedy. So being tired and jet-lagged would make things harder.
I decided it was best to sleep, even if that would throw my rhythms out of whack and got a good solid six hours from 9am til 3pm, before waking up to try and work out what I could do. I wanted to talk about the fact that my mum and dad are so honest that when they were burgled they claimed for several items they believed to be missing, but six months later found a pair of cufflinks that hadn't been taken and which they'd been compensated for and then actually got in touch with the insurers to give them the money back. There's honesty and then there's stupidity. But I love my parents for being so honorable. Once I got to the hotel I mentioned this to the host and he said that this would actually be quite an annoying thing to happen as it would mean the insurers had to reopen a closed case. Which gave me a bit more to work with and sure enough this observation got a big laugh. I also said that most awards ceremonies are fixed, but this was one that really couldn't be, which again they enjoyed.
In fact the whole gig went fine, despite me being uncharacteristically nervous. I should have messed around with them a bit more than I did and stuck to my guns and done all the rude stuff to the full. Towards the end I picked on a younger looking man and asked him if he was up for an award and if he was excited, patronising him like he was a child. He came back asking me why I had such cheap shoes. I was wearing a suit, but had converse trainers on, because I am cool, like Dr Who. And also because I don't have a job in an office and so can wear what the fuck I like.
I told him that I was planning to buy a pair of better shoes with all the money that they were paying me to do this gig. The audience enjoyed this, presumably knowing that these events pay very well. I added that I saw this whole event and my fee as payback for the fact that Alliance and Leicester didn't pay for the underlay when my cellar flooded. Again much hilarity. If I do more of these things then I think I will do less material and more messing. It's what the fatcats really want.
I also found out that although "How Not To Grow Up" is not available to purchase until May 2010 you can already pre-order it
at Amazon. Or at least you can get a look at the cover. I mentioned it on Twitter and it briefly leaped to into the top 10,000. Even though it doesn't exist.
I have just had the copy-edited version back though which amongst many other things I need to do over the weekend.
Collings and me are in
Lincoln tomorrow. Hope to see you there, Lincolnites and others who are prepared to travel to Lincoln to see a jet lagged man trying to make stuff up with a fucking idiot.
Oh and if you want to buy a book that you'll actually get in 2009 with stuff that I've written in it, then why not get
The Atheist Guide to Christmas. My copy was waiting on my door mat for me and I've read a few of the entries and it's very entertaining. And the profits go to the Terrence Higgins Trust. So it's win,win,win. And it's 37 in the Amazon charts which is pretty awesome.
