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Bit of a punishing day as I started at around 5 for the third consecutive morning, but somehow motored through to bed time. Even if bed time was incredibly early. Phoebe is more skittish and unpredictable than ever. For a few minutes this morning she seemed to forget that she prefers my wife and lay down on me hugging me for ages. But then she remembered that she doesn’t like me and stopped. Hot and cold. I have been here so many times before.
She wasn’t too interested in the football lesson today and I spent a lot of the time chasing her down corridors, before she returned to the rest of the group to join in with the bit she enjoys. On the way home, she took off one of her shoes and threw it out of the pram without me noticing. I was in a book shop when I realised and was prepared to retrace my steps as I knew how cross Catie would be if I came home with a half-shod baby. But luckily a man on his phone outside the shop had picked up the shoe and handed it to me as we left.
I have had some tired and stressful days with her recently and she’s becoming a bit of a handful but I still haven’t lost my temper and it’s only an issue when I am tired and she’s a bit grumpy and ill/teething (as she has been for the past few days). And I love it when I get to do the end of the day stuff too. Usually at bath time and bed time we have the best connection and I enjoyed reading her her stories tonight and asking her if she remembered making cakes yesterday, like Posy did in the Pip and Posy book (she nodded as if she did) and dressing up like a monster like Pip did. I go through the names of everyone in the family and she has a crack at saying them. There’s nothing better than this feeling of connection. It makes up for the times when she’s screaming and refusing to hold my hand. It’s like she knows how to indoctrinate me into the cult of Phoebe using cruelty and kindness. And it’s too late for me. I am in this for life. No matter what atrocities she commits.
And the state of the world leaves me feeling perpetually sick. I couldn’t stop thinking about the news story of the family wiped out by the lorry driver who had been distracted by his phone, looking through his playlists. The senseless of horror of it works in all directions. Not only the knowledge that the safety of the people you love is impossible to guarantee, but also that all of us are just one idiotic moment away from being responsible for something so appalling. I think most of us have probably checked our mobile phones, or looked at a map or a snack or been fiddling with the radio when driving, and if luck had been against us we might have made a mistake that would prove utterly devastating for others and for ourselves. Forget the ten years in prison, how would you ever forgive yourself? And though this is a particularly awful example from someone who should have known better, can you really judge him too harshly if you’ve ever done the same thing, but been lucky enough not to plough into stationery traffic?
I once was driving fast to a gig I was late for and listening to music and singing along and even though I was looking ahead, I almost failed to notice the traffic jam in front of me and braked just in time.
All we can do is try to make sure that we keep the fuck off our phones whilst we’re moving along and pray to the sky (not that it will help) that we’re not unlucky enough to be in the path of some twat who isn’t enjoying the song he’s listening to at the moment and is picky enough to want to choose a better one.
