At the moment I feel like I am on holiday with some other comedians. We've all rented a flat and sit around drinking tea and eating chilli and joking about child murderers. It's the perfect vacation. As of tomorrow my flatmates Lucy Porter, Sarah Kendall and Justin Edwards (who I keep calling Jeremy by accident, as that is the name of his character - I am an idiot) will be doing their shows and maybe the Fringe will feel like it has begun, but aside from them all having to go off to do their techs the actual Festival seems a long way away.
Once again I am trying to use the month as a kind of health spa and going to the gym. Today there was a flood in the men's changing rooms so I had to get undressed in a conference room and leave all my stuff on a chair. It felt wrong being bare in such a formal setting. Context is everything. I hope the flood gets sorted out as the changing rooms in the excellent Edinburgh Holmes Place are one of the best things about it. You get free cotton buds. And I was worried that someone might take a fancy to my clothes and steal them while I was on the rowing machine. I might see another man walking round Edinburgh in my stupid ripped jeans and my non-Converse trainers and my old T shirt, probably all a bit stretched and useless to him as most thieves are statistically taller than I.
I am hoping to spend most of my night-time hours in an orgy of drinking, drug-taking and casual sex, but hopefully I will still manage to get up at 9am every morning and pop to the gym and thus live a vampiric Jekyll and Hyde life of excess and piety.
I was snapped out of my belief that I was just on holiday by having to do a couple of interviews. One with the Independent on Sunday on that well-trodden subject of what my best and worst Festival moments have been. They are the same as they were last year when I did an interview with the Metro. But I talked for ages about how reviews affect one as a performer and how I generally trust my own judgement on comedy given I have done it for longer than any of the people writing about me. The journalist sounded like she might think I was a bit of a git and I wonder what she will use from my fifteen minutes of pontificating. Buy the paper on Sunday to see if I stitched myself up.
Later I had to talk to a man from thne Scotsman about the new Perrier award (I will continue calling it this) which will be a jury prize to reward someone who best encapsulates the spirit of the Fringe. Obviously after my entry of yesterday it's clear that I think I should win this, but unfortunately I think the idea of giving something that demonstrates the spirit of the Fringe a prize, rather takes away from the whole spirit of the Fringe thing. As the spirit of the Fringe is about a celebration of art, not being a competition with a trophy and some money. Anyone who genuinely epitomises the Spirit of the Fringe would surely throw this award back in the face of the corporation that is attempting to gain publicity from the whole exercise.
I slagged off the whole notion of having awards at the Festival as usual. The journalist had the same tone of voice as the IoS woman at the end of the call. I think I came across as insane. I suppose it's hypocritical of me to slag off awards whilst I continually bang on about my own Daily Telegraph accolade. But I am hypocritical, as you will see when I lick the arse of the Perrier product when they give me the award after all. "Drink Perrier!" I will cry as they hand it to me, "I'd like to thank everyone at Perrier for this honour!" Sometimes I lie awake at night dreaming of the angry and self-destructive acceptance speeches I would make if anyone ever gave me anything. I am clearly mentally ill and bitter and obsessed. Don't you just love it?
Maybe I should get the Spirit of the Fringe award for so obsessively railing against the idea of having a Spirit of the Fringe award. After all by opposing awards I am surely showing the true spirit of the fringe and deserve any prize that would be given out for that. I'd happily accept it for that.
I've just found out that they give you £4000 along with the award and that the Perrier itself is getting £8,000 this year. I take back everything I just said. The Perrier is an excellent thing. Do come and see my show Perrier committee. After watching
Festival I now know that all I have to do is sleep with you all to win the thing. I will do you all in whatever manner you see fit. Apart from Stephen Armstrong from the Sunday Times. I have to have some kind of standards!
Tickets moving briskly especially for the early 2 for 1 nights, so do book now if you're in town and want some cut price fun. The edfringe.com website has run out for most of the early performances, but there are still some to be had on 0870 745 3083.
