Days Without Alcohol - 11
I have to say that it feels like a lot more than that. Not in a bad way. I am not missing drinking at all, nor have I yearned for booze thus far. Except in my dreams - my subconscious is missing it more than me, aware perhaps that drunkenness is the portal which allows it to have actual control over my waking hours. Inebriation certainly blurs the divide between reality and the dream scape and so my subconscious fills my nights with flowing wine and rivers of beer in the hope that it will tempt me back and allow it to prowl the daylight hours. But so far I am massively enjoying the change of pace. I just can't believe that it's only 11 nights. It really feels like much longer time.
But I am keen to take this experiment further. Observant readers of this blog will have noticed that once I set my mind to a borderline autistic task I usually see it through. My pointless but steadfast determination to complete
CNPS, my liver destroying 50 dates in 50 days (kind of the opposite of what I am doing now in most ways), my largely successful resolve to give up heroin (or chocolate, as the lying drug pushing newsagents call it) and even this five years and counting daily blogging itself are surely indicative of a certain pig-headed stupidity.
Of course true students of this oeuvre will also be aware of many previous attempts to lose weight or stop drinking which have all floundered quickly, only to be mentioned again the next time I decide to change my life (as examples of a younger, weaker me). This dichotomy made the whole - "How long will I stop drinking question" a bit of a gamble.
Even I am unsure as to whether I might be telling you tomorrow how I realised I was being ridiculous and jumped in a bit barrel of rum and drank it dry (actually I am pretty sure I won't do exactly that and if I do I don't think I will be in any state to write about it, except through a medium). But increasingly the angel on the opposite shoulder to my devilish subconscious is saying, "Seriously, I think you could get through a year of this. It'd be good for you. I am not going to push you, but why not think about it. And also about accepting Jesus into your heart.... Too far too soon?"
It might seem unlikely, my friends might scoff and say it's not possible, in my heart I might think that the chances of me actually doing that are as close to nil as is mathematically possible without actually being nil - but then all those things were true when I decided to run the marathon...
and yet....
But even just 11 days I can see a lot of positives about this rapid change in lifestyle -
I have lost two kilos in weight, not just because of the drink - I have exercised and eaten healthily - but the lack of hangover has made those things easier.
I look a lot healthier already. My face looks less tired, my skin less dull.
My brain is working better - it's certainly not perfect and is on the decline whether I drink or not - but I am having ideas and getting more done than I was previously. It's not a huge change. I was very tired and lethargic today and I haven't got much down on paper. But there is certainly more of a determination to get on with things, though this is partly down to the realisation that I need to earn some money pretty soon.
I have, thus far, enjoyed the change of pace in my social life. I have already stayed in for more nights than I probably did in the last four months combined, but I have appreciated that and not felt the desperate need to be socialising all the time. Last year the prospect of a night in alone filled me with dread, but for the moment I actually relish that time - and use it to get things done. I think that twenty or thirty days in this might seem less appealing, but not drinking doesn't mean I have to stay in. In fact the times I have been out have been very enjoyable. I haven't felt self-conscious about being sober, even if others are drinking and have actually had a much better and more relaxing time, without even getting close to making an arse of myself. And I can remember everything that happened afterwards. The biggest revelation has been how I had underestimated my own ability to be good company without the crutch of alcohol. This is plainly a ridiculous misconception as I am able to get up on stage and be amusing for two hours without artificial stimulants, but I think overcoming this engrained belief that I am too self-conscious to have a good time whilst sober might be the most important lesson for me. I have had a couple of terrific nights and discovered I am still perfectly capable of talking nonsense without having a bottle of wine in me. I think in the past it is possibly myself that has made the most of the whole not drinking thing, whereas I believed it was others who wouldn't shut up about it (some people certainly find it a challenge to them somehow if they are drinking and you aren't, but most don't really care). I have been undervaluing myself, I think, and that is a positive thing to realise, even if I drown in a barrel of rum tomorrow (I don't even really like rum).
But I haven't been to any parties yet, or bigger social gatherings and maybe then I will be more conscious of the disparity. And I will soon start to miss the simple pleasure of sharing a bottle of wine with a good friend and just getting merry and chilling out. But if becomes a problem I will just take some heroins and I will be as chillaxed as anyone else. As long as I am not drinking alcohol.
And to spur me on I am getting more convinced that there might be a book in this, hence me using this entry as an opportunity to sum up how things feel one thirty-twoth through the year.
So far it is nearly all good and the main difference is that I feel oddly content. This isn't just down to the alcohol, but it is partly down to having a break from a somewhat raucous and hedonistic lifestyle and realising that maybe that's not the best way to go. It is always tempting as a human to think that when things aren't right you should just do the opposite and that will make you happy. So the miserable drunk will seek an epiphany in being teetotal, the soulless shagger will decide monogamy is his salvation, the priggish Christian will think that maybe Satanism might bring more personal satisfaction. Because if something is making you unhappy, our logic runs then the opposite will obviously make you happy.
It doesn't work like that, of course. Just because one thing is opposite doesn't mean everything else will follow. And generally unhappiness is the reason you are doing the self-destructive thing (especially for the Christian in the above example).
But it's not a bad thing to take some time out from what you're doing and consider whether it's a good idea. Drinking wasn't really making me unhappy. In fact I had a brilliant year of being pissed and dicking around. But if I had kept it up then things might have started to suffer. And in the short term I am appreciating the change, even if at the moment I ultimately believe that the best course of action would be to allow myself the occasional drink and a bit more at the weekend.
But I don't work like that do I? All or nothing.
Enough of a ramble. I have used you as a brain dump, to make notes in case I do more with this. Like all those poker entries, but hopefully more enjoyable (and where's that book? Why did I make you suffer for nothing?).
I hope you feel used and dirty. In my current clean living lifestyle this is the only opportunity I get to make others feel like that.
