Near to Earl's Court there is a business called "Hand Jobs". Don't worry it's not a poorly disguised brothel or saucy massage parlour. Underneath the name it explains that the premises is actually home to a car washing service done entirely by hand. Thus in a way when you are getting your car cleaned you are getting a "hand job". Do you see what they have done there? It is quite clever.
Every time I pass it I am tempted to drive in and say, "I'd like a hand job please.... on my car I mean!" and then laugh much too much. I imagine the people who work there would be used to this kind of banter by now and in their hearts would be sick of the joke and wishing their boss had come up with a different name, but nonetheless they will laugh along good-naturedly, not wishing to offend their customer even if he is a dick.
Then I would say, "So how much does it cost for a hand job then? You know, on the car. I don't want you to masturbate me for money... or for free. I want my car washed." Then I would look a bit confused before laughing again. I think the men in the garage would then maybe smile, but unconvincingly and maybe say, "Yeah, all right mate. Very funny," in a slightly sarcastic tone.
As they were cleaning the car I would stand watching them and then say, "You know I never thought I'd see the day when a man was giving me a hand job!" Then I'd laugh again. I imagine by now the men cleaning the car would not even be pretending to be amused and might be getting slightly annoyed with me, maybe even asking me to leave, but I'd say, "If I am paying a man to give me a hand job, then I want to be there to experience it. I mean cleaning my car, not wanking me off again," before laughing even more than ever.
They wouldn't be able to hit me though or be too rude to me as they'd get sacked. And they would know in their hearts that all this was their own faults for agreeing to work at a place called "Hand Jobs".
Towards the end I would say, "How do your kids feel, knowing that their dad gives hand jobs for a living? That it is his dads proclivity for administering hand jobs that is putting bread on the table? Ashamed I expect." This time I wouldn't laugh, but would just hold the men's gaze with a look of pity and disgust on my face, before then laughing and saying "I mean, hand jobs on cars in a washing sense of course!"
When the "hand job" was finished I would pay the men their money, perhaps commenting, "There, that's for the hand job!"
But then when the transaction was over I would stay standing quietly by them a bit too close for a bit too long, before gently and seriously saying, "Can I have an actual hand job as well? You know, could you actually use your hand to provide sexual release my genitals? How much would that be? I'd happily pay you ten pounds for a hand job. The car washing thing is a front isn't it? Where do we do it? In the car or do you have a little room back there? Well... why don't you answer me?"
I think it would be worth the life-threatening beating to see the look on the car washers' faces.
Unless "Hand Jobs" is actually just a clever front for a place that gives hand jobs in which case the joke would be on me.
For a bit.
And then I might find I actually liked it.
