4399/17318
A couple of pedants have tweeted to tell me that sweetbreads are made out of pancreases or thyroids or something and not testicles (though they may have been historically). Well the waiter who served us seemed very shifty about the whole thing, and I think he would have just said what they were made of if that was the case, but was all coy and “you know what they’re made of, right?” about it. So I reckon they’d gone all 16th Century on our asses. Fuck you. I’ve eaten some balls and there’s nothing you can do to take that away from me.
Another year gone by and again I’ve been overlooked by the Nobel committee, which mean the N of my
COBNOB remains unfulfilled. At least they’ve given the Peace prize to someone who has not been responsible for the deaths of thousands of people this year.
Lovely to see it going to Malala and some other bloke. Peace might be my best shot at a Nobel, as my physics research has very much taken a back seat after I gave up doing the A Level after one term and if “How Not To Grow Up” can’t get the literature prize then I don’t think I have much of a shot at that. After all these years of waiting for a Nobel, I am pretty certain that I would lose my shit if I actually won one. I’d go up to get the Peace gong and shout, “Yeah, fuck you! I did it. I am the best at doing peace. Bad luck all you other Peace-os. You don’t like it do you? Well tough shit. Come and fight me for it if you want. I can take all you pricks down.” There just aren’t enough undignified Nobel prize acceptance speeches.
Meanwhile BBC3 delightedly announce that they are rebranding their shows for their new internet venture. The old fusty names are gone and replaced with cool happening fly names. Comedy will now be called “Make Me Laugh” whilst Drama is too square a term so they will call that “Make Me Think”. Which conjures up to me the image of a dribbling idiot sitting in a cubicle with two switches. If he presses one he will see a picture of a bum and if he presses the other it will be a picture of a jackboot crushing a flower. Because who wants comedy that can make you think or drama that can make you laugh? That’s why they have the two masks. Very separate entities. The mask guy was the one who started all this.If only someone had said, surely comedy doesn’t always have to be funny and drama shouldn’t always be serious, let’s have a bigger selection of masks and a bit more ambiguity in the emotions they convey. But the mask guy was after a specific demographic and stuck to his guns.
My ultimate aim is to create comedy that won’t make people think at all, even about why they are laughing. I will just do a thing and they will laugh and then the whole thing will be forgotten and unanalysed. It’s what all creative people are aiming for really. The perfect moment of thoughtless and unprocessed reaction. And how awesome to be on a channel where the starting point is a passive aggressive description of your job, come on then, make me laugh, like a cross armed man sitting in an audience, determined not to have a good time.
Predictably Twitter went apeshit about this pointless and clunky rebranding of perfectly good concepts. I suspect that is what BBC3 were aiming for. To annoy 47 year olds who are flabbergasted that things must temporarily change. I mean, this rebranding is certainly moronic and patronising and pathetic and I don’t think any young people will be high-fiving or fist-bumping or doing the Hucklebuck (or whatever they do these days) about it. But it’s got people talking and fusty old cretins like me writing and that’s pretty much all that matters right? Well played BBC3. Would you like to do my sitcom about people playing Scrabble? Or my drama about people playing Scrabble? Two very different scripts.
