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Today was the first day that I felt back on an even keel. It’s been a stressful week and I was exhausted when I arrived, but a slightly better sleep last night and my brain seemed to be working again.
It’s sad to be away from the family, particularly today as it was my daughter’s seventh birthday. I facetimed when I got up to wish her a good one, but it’s not the same. I haven’t missed many (if any) of the big moments in either of the kids’ lives. I don’t think she particularly minded though and seemed happy with her haul.
People told me it would go fast, which was hard to believe because when she was tiny it all seemed to go so slow. But I can’t believe I’ve been a dad for seven years or that that little screaming baby could be this teenage-acting half teenager.
It was another weird day of humiliating filming, but it was very satisfying today. There is a basic plan for the film, but it’s all improvised around that and sometimes things can happen that add whole new avenues to explore. A chance idea led to me ending up fully clothed in the hot tub and calling out another actor to create a scene that had not been intended, but which really added to both of our character’s stories. I stayed in the hot tub for over an hour, even when the crew went off with the other actor to film round the other side of the house. It seemed pointless to get out - they might return any second, but also if I got out there was a good chance I’d have to get back in again. It was only when the wet clothes met the cold air that it became unpleasant. So I stayed where I was.
There are only two other male actors in the film and I spent the evening with my top off being held in the arms of one of them and the late night out on the cold wet grass, barefoot and still topless, licking the neck and face of the other. I suspect a lot of people would like to lick his neck and face, but it still felt a bit surreal.
Maybe the director has learned that the only way to stop me looking self-conscious is to make me do something that breaks the rules of society. Although my character is (unusually) not a pervert or a client of sex workers, he is clearly having a breakdown, so he’s still broken. And thus I can be him without too much effort. And I it’s wonderfully liberating to go against all conventions and to shout at passing trains. Even though I am just doing it for the part, I am still doing it. So apologies to any local people who have been upset by my character’s shouty swearing. I have no control over what he does.
There’s one more day to finish this thing and I am clocking off a bit early tomorrow so that I can get back home for my daughter’s birthday party which is early on Saturday morning. As long as I don’t miss that then I won’t feel too bad. Or like Jim Carrey in the early part of all of his films. But someone should write a film about a dad who misses his kids’ birthdays and the kids are ambivalent about it. Maybe that can be our next one.
