I have been very impressed with my laziness this year. The light bulbs on my landing had died out one by one and I have had to negotiate the stairs to my bedroom in almost total darkness for more months than I dare admit. All right I will have a go at admitting it. I think it's been at least four months and possibly as many as six (though I have been away for quite a lot of that time).
Every night I would feel my way up the stairs, or use my mobile as a torch, every night thinking, this pathetic refusal to complete this mundane task was probably going to lead to my death or serious injury. Every night I'd think, "I really must get round to getting some new light bulbs," but I've been busy and/or tired and/or could not be bothered and have simply tried to get used to the dark in the hope that I will somehow evolve night vision.
It's a slightly harder job than it might seem. The people who had the house before me installed some fancy lights with slightly unusual light bulbs which aren't always readily available and also the fittings are up quite high and out of easy reach, requiring a step ladder to get to.
Also I remembered that some of the light bulbs were a pain in the arse to try and change.
It seemed easier just to ignore the problem in the hope that perhaps the light bulbs, shamed by their continued failure to illuminate would buck up their ideas and start working again. It was a bit like the war against terror and if I gave in to their demands then I would only be making more trouble for myself.
And if I believed in Jesus enough then the lights would surely just start working again anyway. Or he would just come and stand on my landing each night. He is, after all, the light.
A few months ago, tiring of my Cnut-like behaviour I did bring the step ladder upstairs at least, with the intention of getting the bulbs down, so I could take them to the shop to show what I required, but then my cleaner took the ladder back downstairs again (it had been upstairs for a few days) and the impetus was lost.
Today, I tired of my patheticness and my cutting off my electricity to spite my face and decided I would complete this simple task. I got out the step ladder, took a sample of each type of bulb, even going as far to get ones from the bathroom and lounge, which were only in partial darkness as not ALL the bulbs had gone and took them to the lighting shop up the road.
The man seemed delighted to see me. I do go there about once every two to three years, when I am tired of living like a bat relying on my sonar abilities, which are at best weak, so maybe he relies on these bulb sales to keep himself going. I showed him what I needed and although he didn't have quite enough stock for me to get what I required plus a few spares, he furnished me with enough bulbs for my needs. "Have you been busy recently?" he asked almost surreptitiously, apropos of nothing.
"Yes," I told him.
"Edinburgh I suppose," he continued. He had recognised me. Would my micro-celebrity result in me getting a free light bulb? We briefly chatted and he thanked me for the podcast. It was surprising to think that a middle aged and apparently grown up looking man who works in a fancy light shop would be a fan of the podcast. Not so much of a fan that he gave me any kind of discount, but I don't do the podcast for cut price electrical items. I do it for biscuits and loose change.
It was odd being recognised in these circumstances. I felt a bit like the bloke in Fight Club who is acknowledged in whispers by random civilians as their leader. It is good that the Collings and Herrin army is growing. Ever preparing. One day they will strike!
I had done half the job that I had been waiting for most of 2009 to complete. Imagine if I had a wife what a hard time I would be getting. This is why I must never have kids as I am unable to even look after myself.
It had been painfully easy so far. I felt as ridiculous as a 42 year old man playing a plastic toy guitar on his own. How could I have left this for so long?
How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it will take him half a year.
Oh how foolish I felt. Comedians have mocked all the other professions light bulb changing abilities and yet I was less than adept myself.
And changing the bulbs wasn't as easy as I'd anticipated. Even on my step ladder the fittings were high up and out of reach and used a complicated screw and groove system which was frustratingly difficult to click into. But the hall lights were much easier than the ones in the lounge, (and I may have written about these before because in 7 years you end up writing about light bulbs a couple of times) which may have a special knack to them which I am not aware of, but which were jammed into their tiny holes in a space that didn't give you a chance to get your fingers round the bulb to pull and if you pulled too hard the whole fitting came down, bringing ceiling plaster down into my eyes. After much sweat and toil and frustration I had done all of them.
There were just the bathroom ones to do. Easy, low done, screw in lights, above the mirror, like you'd get in a dressing room (not my choice remember). I couldn't make a mistake here. But the easiest one almost proved the most disastrous as I placed a bulb in too loosely and it fell out of the socket, heading for the porcelain sink and certain oblivion. I pulled off the reaction catch of the century (thus far) to save it. It was incredibly impressive. I felt like a kind of a god. But no one was around to see it and foolishly I had neglected to film myself (and my earlier difficulties and incompetence would have out trumped Chaplin for slapstick hilarity) so no one would ever know. Only I would ever know what I had achieved in than split second. It was enough. For the only time in this whole sorry episode I felt like a real man, with the cat like reflexes of a 19 year old.
After being so used to living my dim troglodyte existence for so long, the whole house now seemed ridiculously bright. I had been doing my bit to prevent global warming. I was not sure I wanted to live in this world where everything was so illuminated.
