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Wednesday 11th October 2017


My son continues to be placid and earnest and an incredible amount of fun to cuddle. Luckily my daughter has upped her game and become more entertaining (and doesn’t seem to have her nose put too far out of joint by the new arrival - that camera really worked wonders). I was pushing her on the swing and she was stretching upwards and grabbing at something. “What are you doing?” I asked. “I’m trying to catch the clouds,” she said.
What an idiot. The clouds were really high up in the sky and made of vapour anyway. She was miles off catching them and wouldn’t have been able to even if I had pushed her thousands of feet into the sky.

Earnest Ernest has to use expressions and pooping to be cute, which isn’t much of a palate to work from, but he does his best. Changing nappies containing male genitalia (just one set, attached to him - that’s not what he poops) is a novelty. I don’t think I’ve ever tenderly cleaned another male’s testicles with a wet wipe before. I mean I think I’d remember. And that doesn’t mean that I’ve ever done it non-tenderly or cleaned my own testicles with a wet wipe or cleaned another male’s testicles with something other than a wet wipe. And anyone who says they have seen mr behind the bus station roughly and tenderly cleaning the testicles of strangers and then myself with a variety of different cloths and Brillo pads is lying. 
I haven’t had much to do with anyone else’s testicles and little more with my own. So it’s strange to suddenly become so acquainted with someone else’s in such close circumstances. And it’s not a bad thing to clean another person’s testicles. On the contrary, it’s quite an honour. And a calming moment, because whatever you think of the person whose testicles you are cleaning (and in this case I liked him a lot, but even if I didn’t) you have to be gentle. And it’s bizarrely rather calming. Because the person whose testicles you are cleaning is so vulnerable. And that brings you closer together.
It made me think that men should clean other men’s testicles more often. It would really sort a lot of problems out. Maybe once a day every man in the world is randomly assigned another man (one who lives near him, so as not to incur a testicle carbon footmark) and has to tenderly clean his testicles. And in turn another man would be assigned to clean his testicles. The caring, calming moment would mean men could go about their day feeling less angry and violent and more in touch with their soul. And also more in touch with a stranger’s testicles. 
Another benefit would be that all men would start their day with clean testicles, which, if reports are to believed, is not always the case.
I think if this testicle cleaning idea became law that we could quickly end all war. You may call me  a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

Good news for people who still like DVDs but don’t like spending loads of money on them. We’ve knocked a fiver off the cost of both Lord of the Dance Settee and Happy Now? Head to my page on gofasterstripe.
If you don't like DVDs then most of my shows are also available as downloads, click the individual show to find out.

Exciting news for people who own devices that use Alexa. Alexa can now ask you Emergency Questions. Thanks to the good people at Conversation Design (and us good people at Sky Potato) you can enable your device to ask a random emergency question by heading here.

RHLSTP with Ed Byrne is now up on video


and audio 
at the British Comedy Guide and iTunes

And the people at CBeebies Grownups (Grow Up) were excited to see me and Robert Webb sing the Go Jetters theme. You can see this mildly viral clip here.

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