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A few months ago I bought three pairs of “fat” jeans to see me through the short period until I lost my baby weight. Alas not only have I failed to lose any of my girth, during this tour I have managed to ruin all three pairs by getting loads of Sharpie ink on them. I put Sharpies in my pocket at the tour shows so I can sign autographs afterwards (which in itself was stupid as I could easily have just left the pens with my tour merchandise) and carried on doing so even when I have realised that quite often the pens work themselves loose from their lids and then stain my trousers with permanent ink. I ruined one pair of trousers and didn’t learn my lesson, I tainted another, but they were quite dark jeans and the stain was not too apparent, I ruined another pair and thought that I probably should not keep my pens in my pocket any more. But I kept them in my pocket because I am a dilbert and largely got away with it. But in Belfast, spectacularly, I managed to finish my signing and then place a purple felt tip with no top on it back in my jeans pocket. This was the pair that had survived one inking, but it was not going to get through this one. Basically the entire contents of the sharpie splattered down my leg, as if I was an alien with his penis in his hip and had accidentally relieved myself with acrid, indelible purple urine.
A part of me doesn’t really care, but the problem is that if I walk around in the street with my ink stained trousers then people keep stopping me to tell me my pen has leaked and if I am foolish enough to go on TV wearing them (as I did on Sunday Brunch) then there’s the danger of it turning into a Twitter storm. No one considers the fact that the stain might be old or that it doesn’t really matter if a man is so clumsy and useless that he can’t wear trousers without staining them. And thus, having attempted to use a stain devil to solve the problem (but only having succeeded in spreading the ink further and scarcely lightening the blot), I had to go out today to buy more “fat’ jeans. Annoying in itself because it’s May and had I just kept up my January discipline I could be in my “plump” jeans by now.
I am a very clumsy man, it has to be said. Or maybe the Sharpie lid design is faulty. Thinking about it a lot of them have come apart in my suit pockets too, but as they only end up staining the lining it’s not been a massive issue.
I wish I could blame Sharpie lid design on me continually dropping stuff and tripping over and ruining all the nice things that I have. And I am going to. It’s their fault.
Retro RHLSTP with Harry Shearer now up in the usual places
youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbegZhk-lcQ
vimeo - https://vimeo.com/166115033
itunes - https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/richard-herrings-video-leicester/id922855595?mt=2
