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I have about 13 weeks to go until I officially become a father. Though I suppose I really already am one. There’s definitely something moving around in there and I think it has to count as a person by now. I am trying to familiarise my baby with the sound of my voice and I chat to it through the bump-ophone (as I have never called it until now). Yesterday the whelp responded to my meandering stories and fatherly advice by kicking me in the face. I think that’s probably going to happen a lot in the future. At least metaphorically.
I am starting to consider the changes that this is going to bring to my life and I don’t mean the obvious ones like having to deal with nappies and sleeplessness and fear (I think there are some good things as well), but all the behavioural changes I am going to have to make to be a good role model for my child. It’s pretty much changing every single thing that I do. I will have to cut out swearing, I suppose, at least once there is a danger of them understanding and repeating what I am saying and I won’t be able to spend my whole day on my phone. I won’t be able to sleep in or watch TV in bed the whole time (not that I can do that very much any more anyway) I will have to become a lot less messy and snap out of awful habits like farting, nose-picking and nail biting. I will have to pretend to find the child throwing food on its own head naughty and wrong, rather than amusing. I will have to pretend to like the parents of other children, even if I think they are idiots and have to be nice to their children even if they are tiny arseholes. I will have to pretend that carrots are better than chocolateI basically have to spend the next 18 years pretending to be someone I am not and lie to my son or daughter about who I am and what I think.
And ultimately, after living this lie of being a good example of a human being then my child will be an adult and just slump into the same awful behaviour that I have made my way of life, until this uninvited interloper turned up demanding milk and to have its arse wiped.
I remember thinking the whole charade was ridiculous when I was a kid. I sensed the hypocrisy of the adult world and knew they said one thing and did another, but didn’t realise quite how bad they were. This thing goes right to the top. Surely my relationship with my child should be based on love and honesty, not with me pretending to be something I am not for two decades, even though they have pretty much realised this by the beginning of the second decade and will be calling me out on it. By then I will be so deep into the deceit that I will probably believe it myself. Then again I will be giving up my own individuality to give my child a place in a wonderful innocent make believe world where things are fair and being good means you get rewarded.
Like Schwarzenegger in Total Recall I am leaving myself this message to remind me of who I really was before my own brain was washed and wiped and I pretended to be someone worth looking up to and capable of giving out advice about life.
One day my child will be old enough to find this blog and the books I’ve written and realise what a screw up I was and how hypocritical I have been. But maybe this actually works by our kids teaching us how to be decent human beings. Our parents never had a chance, but when we have kids they are the ones who finally instil that decency in us. At the very least having kids is definitely the punishment for being a kid. I got so far through my life without paying for my crimes, but they always catch up with you.
One of my favourite ever RHLSTPs with the fantastic Sara Pascoe who is literally on fire at the moment. LITERALLY!
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This week’s Metro column is about my recent visit to Highgate Cemetery
