Here it is then. Oh Frig, I’m 50!
It doesn’t feel too bad. As long as I don’t think about it at all.
My hope to sleep for a decade was put paid to as my wife had organised all kinds of fun stuff to keep us occupied. We all headed off to the Science Museum, because it’s fun to play with Phoebe in the kids bit in the basement. But there were some (possibly accidental, but my wife is pretty amazing) surprises in store. As we waited for the museum to open we were approached by my teenage love Janet Ellis, who was there to record something for a radio show. Or had my wife tipped her off and arranged the whole thing? I guess we’ll never know.
Once inside we realised that there was a robot display on at the moment, including a Gemma Chan robot made for a recent TV show. Coincidence? Or was my wife finally giving me a sign that she agreed that sex with a robot is allowed. We searched around for Gemma Chan and discovered we had to pay to go into the exhibition. It was fifteen pounds each worth it for the photo opportunity. Plus if the staff weren’t looking I was totally going to have sex with the robot.
Phoebe was a little bit scared of some of the exhibits and we rushed through it all a bit, but there was no sign of Gemma. It turned out that she was in the gift shop. We could have seen her without paying. The biggest waste of £15 x 2 I have ever made.
The Gemma robot wasn’t very sexy, but I somehow managed to get my old man penis turgid enough to have sex with it, only to discover it didn’t have a bottom half. Still, a mouth’s a mouth.
Then I was thrown out of the Science Museum… I was in the Science Museum all along. Oh yes, I said.
I was powerfully tired, but still have fun with Phoebe as we experimented with sound and water. We then went on to the Rainforest Cafe. I complained to my daughter in the cab that the day seemed to have been organised with her in mind and that I was disappointed that we weren’t going to go to see some strippers. The cab driver laughed.
But if my daughter is happy then I am happy. Unfortunately my daughter wasn’t happy. She was freaked out by the jungles noises, thunder and lightning and moving creatures (almost as freaked out as I was by the price of the food and drinks). But if my daughter is scared then I am happy too as she gives me some awesome hugs. Though that didn’t apply when a man in a frog costume turned up, hoping for a high five. Phoebe went into meltdown. And I don’t really blame her. Even though I am ashamed to have sired a real Maurice Mitchener. He who mocks the Mitch is bound to have a Mitch. Those are the rules.
We then popped next door to match Despicable Me 3 in an empty cinema. Although it’s had a revamp we realised this was the same cinema that my wife and I came on on our first date to fail to watch Steve Carell in the disappointing “Dan in Real Life”. We had sat on the back row and snogged and missed nearly the whole film. Today we found ourselves on the back row of what might have even been the same screen again watching Steve Carell in a disappointing fillm, next to the product of all that snogging. I fell asleep for about 45 minutes. And was very glad of that opportunity. A sleep was what I had wanted for my birthday. A lot has changed in the last decade.
Phoebe was rapt with the film though and watched intently.
The cinema staff were excited as John Goodman had come in to see a film. I liked the way they played it cool and pretended they didn’t recognise me.
In the evening we went out for a posh meal near London Bridge. I had said that I’d had such a nice time that I didn’t mind if we cancelled, but I am glad we went along. On the tube on the way there I said I was probably too knackered to drink any alcohol, but that proved to be quite, quite wrong. I had a salt and vinegar martini upon arrival and then said I’d have the suggested wines that came with the set menu. I thought this might be four or five small glasses of wine, but it turned out to be nearly to ten drinks, including cider, cocktails and lots of spirits. Somehow I got through them all. I didn’t feel too bad (and in fact felt pretty good) but suspected that I was not going to be quite so chipper when I started with the next task of moving house tomorrow.
But it was great to have an adult evening out, after a day with our child. I was hoping the Chan robot might be waiting for us at home after all this for a proper 50th birthday present (not the real Chan - I am not a pervert), but I am 50 now and the main attraction of bed time is sleep.
Looking forward to my fifties. This was a great start. Let’s see how I feel when I am 60 and looking back at this.
The second long episode of AIOTM is now up on the secret channels
Or you can wait and see episodes with 20 mins cut out for free.
And the RHLSTP with Zoe Lyons is now up
and on iTunes.