Today's podcast guest was the wondrous Janet Ellis who I have been in love with since I saw her dressed as Nell Gwynne in Jigsaw about 30 years ago (I was captivated by her acting obviously). The 14 year old me would be very jealous of the middle-aged me. I'd say she made all my teenage dreams come true, though luckily for her most of my teenage dreams remained unfulfilled. But I had a lovely time chatting inappropriately to her and she batted off my rudeness very effectively. She is a truly wonderful woman - my teenage self had very good taste (though suspect he was more hypnotised by Nell Gwynne's oranges than Janet's personality). I did say that I would happily murder my wife if it meant I got one second with Janet, which for some reason my wife didn't find all that funny! Women, hey?
Although I joke about the wonderful line of beautiful Ellis women that I admire from afar (it's chivalrous, courtly love as in medieval times, except sometimes I get to be crude in front of the object of my affection, which is a neat twist), in reality I know how lucky I am to be with my even more wonderful wife. And so does she, as apparently she can't go anywhere in Edinburgh without someone telling her that she's way too good for me. Yes, you're right everyone, she is. But too late. I've got her now. Janet and her daughters are safe. My new plan is to breed a new male Herring who I will train up and condition and brainwash to become obsessed with some female Ellis progeny down the line. Our two lines will meet at some point. And even if it's not me and Janet being together, if it's both our progeny then it still counts to some extent. I didn't get time to tell Janet of my plan. This might have been a step too far. And after seeing the way my wife disapproved of me wishing death on her (what's that about?) I won't be telling her about my scheme to produce an heir to fulfil my own perverse sexual desires. She'd just think it was weird and immoral, though anyone with a heart can see how romantic it is. To love someone so much for all that time, that you create a child with the express desire of them procreating with the grandchild of the object of your devotion (when they're both old enough, I'm not sick). It's better than Romeo and Juliet. And if you think it's odd or perverse for me to live vicariously through the genitals of my own unborn child then it's you who has the problem.
If you're interested in the producers from 1980s kids TV shows then this is the podcast for you, with both Clive Doig and Biddy Baxter getting quite some airtime. And my attempts to become a nostalgic Peter Kay comedian continue to fail, due to my continually choosing examples of things that most people have forgotten. But maybe one or two of you will enjoy it - so it might not buy my mum a bungalow, but I might be able to buy her a pack of Polos or something.
All the info is here.
After my main show I went to see Peacock and Gamble's "I Just Want to be on the Telly" - oh no sorry, that's not quite the title. It's something like that. Where do they get their crazy ideas from? Oh hold on, I do know. They get them out of my dustbin. Yes, I went there. Snap!
I hate to say it but it's a great show - the double act is developing very nicely. I think I preferred last year's show (yeah, I liked Peacock and Gamble back in the old days before anyone had heard of them), but they are slicker and sharper and working off each other better than ever. There's not enough of Naughty Keith for my liking, but the show is packed with stupid rubbish and after their attempts to generate a false buzz, that has been drowned out a bit by a genuine buzz. Even though it was up against the big Olympic closing ceremony they pretty much managed to sell out. I can't wait to see them get actually famous, just so I can witness the terrible effects it will have on Ray Peacock. He is already a monster. He could make James Corden look self-effacing.
We signed a publicity pact where we had to be unpleasant about each other at all times, in the hope of generating some Blur versus Oasis kind of rivalry (though to be fair it's more like Oasis (them) versus the Beatles (me)), but I will break ranks to say you should catch this pair of idiots before they are snapped up by CBBC and forced to take all the swearing out of their acts and turn Naughty Keith into a loveable hamster who never says anything more offensive than Wee Wee. It will happen.
As sure as Ray Peacock will eventually be arrested for exposing himself to an old man in a public lavatory.
I enjoyed myself so much - and didn't have to get up to do a podcast tomorrow) - that I went out to have some drinks in a bar with other people to celebrate the birthday of another future (and past) sex pest
Michael Legge. I was too tired and then too drunk to interact too much with any other human beings, but enjoyed sitting back and watching the youngsters interacting.
I am enjoying this Fringe and however it might appear am not letting the relatively poor sales get to me too much. We're not quite halfway through so there's still time to turn things around. I am very happy with both my shows, not obsessing over press or the lack of it (unsurprisingly newspapers aren't too concerned with reviewing a show that they've reviewed before) and enjoying chatting to the other acts, even if I am mainly doing that on stage in the podcast.
Plus I got to hug Janet Ellis and make her admit which animal she'd have sex with. Money can't buy that kind of experience. I am the luckiest 14 year old in the world.
