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I am not saying I am better than Jesus, that is for other people to say, but I did more of my secret work for charity tonight as I co-hosted a fundraising dinner for Missing People at the V&A. It was a posh affair and meant to be black tie, but I don't have a dinner jacket, so chose to go in my three piece wedding suit. Nineteen months have passed since I made my wife the luckiest woman in the world and my weight has fluctuated a bit, but putting on my waistcoat made me realise it was definitely time to get back down to the gym. It felt like a corset. And not in the usual sexy way. There was a danger of buttons popping off and blinding some of the wealthy people who had come to donate. Which I think would be a bad thing.
But then there were so many things that could go wrong. That little Me2 inside me had many, many opportunities to do and say the wrong thing. I was in a room full of wealthy people and priceless works of art. What if, for a joke, I smashed one of Raphael's cartoons over the head of some bloated corporate bigwig? I wouldn't do it, because Raphael is my favourite Ninja Turtle and I respect his cartoons too much (especially the one where Shredder kidnapped April) and also the charity might have been annoyed. For now I can just about resist the temptation to say exactly the wrong thing, but when I am an old man I will be running down the street with no trousers on, shouting out abuse at everyone and desecrating any great works of art that I come across. And what greater desecration than coming across them.
My cohost was Gaby Roslin who I have met once or twice before and has an admirable streak of cheekiness so it was fun working with her. It seems odd to be in such an expensive venue and having a slap up meal when you're doing something for a charity and yet this was the perfect set-up to make money. Give rich people a good time and then a chance to compete, show off and be generous with expensive auction items and you can, as happened tonight raise an awful lot of money. In fact tonight raised over £150,000 for a wonderful charity that gives missing people a chance to leave messages for their families and counsels those who are reeling from the effects of having someone who is missing.
It wasn't exactly my crowd and it wasn't the night for my usual bawdy and borderline offensive comedy, but Gaby and me managed to have a bit of playful banter amidst the rather more serious videos and speeches from people who knew the grief and uncertainty of having a family member go missing. I bid £250 for a week on Necker Island, but ultimately that went to a man who was prepared to part with £13,000, which I suspect is still a little bit of a bargain.
There was also a video message from Stephen Fry, which for all his love of gadgets looked and sounded like it had been recorded in a cupboard using an Amstrad emailer phone, but as always he spoke intelligently and movingly about his experiences. And the Hoosiers did six songs. I don't really know if this was a Hoosiers kind of crowd either, but the Hoosiers had fun.
As always it's strange seeing how the other half live (I mean the audience, not the Hoosiers) and it's mildly bewildering to be in a room with someone who is able to donate £25,000 to a charity without it breaking them. But you can't really knock the people who do that. If you are obscenely wealthy then the least you can do is give some of it to deserving causes. There's something conflicting about it, but ultimately if it works then that is all that really matters. And I got some free chicken so we're all winners.
The free audio version of the RHLSTP with Ross Noble is now up at the British Comedy Guide and on iTunes. Please spread the word about these shows to anyone you think might be interested. And with Simon Pegg and Stephen Merchant to come, now might be the perfect time to buy the video pass.
Winners of Talking Cock DVD, book and willy brush were @darabeans, @mikk67 @Crightonhyphen, @TomMayhew91 @vikkileanelson @Coupey. Well done. If any of you had smelly cocks (and at least two of you don't even have cocks) then you won't soon. Will get the prizes out next week.
