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I was very surprised today to discover that American actor Elizabeth Olsen was following me on Instagram. How had she even heard of me? I guess my podcasts are worldwide and she must have come across them, listened to them and thought that weird, incompetent man could be my friend. I am a great guy so it's important to believe in yourself. There's every chance that that's what had happened.
Should I follow back? We could become pals, she might suggest I get cast in her next movie, I could become a film star like I have always deserved to be. If it wasn't for the prejudice in this industry against one-balled men I could have been a movie star decades ago. I had two balls back then, but the industry has ways of telling if someone will one day lose a ball. They could use it to save lives, but instead they just use it to stop people becoming movie stars.
I was then surprised to notice that Elizabeth Olsen only has four followers. I was so flattered to think that I was the fifth person she had reached out to. Obviously she wants to keep her profile on the downlow and only invite people she really likes. It's probably George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Elon Musk, one of her sisters and me. She must love my podcasts. I wonder if she listens to the snooker.
I was then surprised to see that Elizabeth was also offering paid hook-ups. I don't know how much that would cost - she only discloses the rate to clients - but I imagine she could charge upwards of £75 and that's just for kissing and on top of clothes touching. You'd think she earned enough money form her acting career to not have to have a side line in sex work for me and four other people, but I am not going to judge.People ,make their own choices. I would 100% pay for a hook up with Elizabeth Olsen, just to help her through this tricky Christmas period and I am sure my wife would understand that this was an opportunity that I couldn't turn down, but sadly the emojis suggest that she is only prepared to do this within the USA. I suppose travel costs would cut into her profit margins.
But she followed me. I reckon she's just chancing her arm with the fee. She obviously fancies me. I reckon I can probably get her to pay me. And the extra money I'd be bringing in would probably help smooth things over with Catie.
