Those of you who have seen
The Twelve Tasks of Hercules Terrace (and by the way aren't you impressed that I have finally learned html-and I totally taught myself it, no-one helped me at all. If you are the kind of person who doesn't know what html even is, then I feel really sorry for you, because I do know what it is and I always have - it is essentially a secret language that nerds use to communicate by) will know that a young man called Dave Warburton features in my "killing the Loch Ness monster" task. I had proposed to use a virgin to lure the beast from its icy under-loch base and put out appeals in the Scotch media and here on this website for a pure blooded youngster to come and help me. Dave Warburton was the only virgin who came forward, which could well mean that he was at the time, the only virgin in the United Kingdom. Depsite being in the middle of his A levels, Dave offered to take a weekend off and travel the 600 miles to Inverness at his own expense to help me. As I say in the show, "I felt a bit uncomfortable with this idea. What would I tell his parents? If I told the manageress of the hotel that I was staying in that I had a school boy sleeping in my room because I was using him as bait to lure the Loch Ness monster out of hiding... at best she was going to think I was speaking euphemistically."
So Dave Warburton did not come to Scotland to be tied to a tree by me, whilst I hid behind the tree, theatrical sword in hand ready to kill the monster once it was enchanted out of the water by Dave Warburton's virgin stink. But he still agreed for me to show a picture of him during the show and to reveal to the world his virgin status. You may remember he came to see the show during the Edinburgh Fringe. If not read about it
here. (How about those html skills, folks? Not bad hey. Not bad
at all.) I said I liked him (but not enough to take his virginity, and put in a request for any game young lady out there to help him out.
Well as some women in the audience went "aaaaah" when I said "But I wasn't interested in Dave in
that way... and nor apparently was anyone else," and I told them if they cared that much I had his email address and they could have sex with him, there was a kerfuffle from the crowd and I saw it was Dave Warburton once again. But this time, he bragged, he was with .... his girlfriend!!!
Could this mean? Surely not? Not Dave Warburton. Not my virgin. But there was a certain swagger, a new confidence, the man had become a boy. It would be impolite to ask directly, but that has never stopped me before and with the tact that I have inherited from my mother I asked, "So, are you still a virgin then?"
Dave said, "I am not prepared to say."
In my heart I knew the truth, but I still pretended otherwise, "We'll take that as a yes then," I jeered. But there was only one virgin in the room. And he was on stage.
I briefly met Dave Warburton and his friend in the bar. He had met her at University. She lived in the room next to his. For a man previously prepared to travel so far, this showed a new found laziness. Or was it coolness. He hadn't even had to venture out of his corridor. This man is sexual dynamite! She was a lovely young lady. I felt very proud of him. Like he was my own son.
And like any parent I have convinced myself that they are both saving themselves until they are lawfully wed. Yes. I am sure of it.
I just hope Dave's real parents don't read Warming Up (or google their son to find out what he's up to) because if he's anything like me they will have had no idea what he's been doing. And I'm not sure this is the way to find out. Don't worry Mr and Mrs Warburton, this is a different Dave Warburton. A different Dave Warburton with your son's exact face.
In fact it all seems in somewhat dubious taste to be discussing this issue in such a public forum.
But I have the tact of a Herring, so there's nothing that can be done to stop it.
