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I was interviewed by Tom Parker-Bowles over zoom this afternoon. I didn't know it would be Tom Parker-Bowles until he popped up on screen. Luckily I didn't say "Hey, you're Tom Parker-Bowles!" to him. I think he knew.
His mum is the Queen.
Not to me obviously. To me there's only one Queen. Queen Elizabeth the Second. Wait, "the second"? That must mean there is at least one other Queen. Also Queen Anne from off of the furniture and Mary Queen of Scots and Queen Mary (from about the same time - that might be the same person, as Queen Elizabeth II was also Elizabeth Queen of Scots). And the band Queen.
There's lots of Queens as it turns out, but I didn't agree to Tom's mum being just the Queen. I was happy to call her Queen Consort. Then she just became Queen one day without any formal announcement (that I saw) and the gullible British public (many of whom had made a point of saying she was not their queen in the past) just accepted it. Even though every time someone mentions the Queen we all think, oh is she back? And then realise, oh you mean THAT Queen. The woman who isn't the Queen.
I didn't say any of this to Tom, who seemed a lovely and affable chap, even though he once lived inside a Queen, before she was a Queen and she still isn't a Queen.
I am glad my mum has never claimed to be Queen though (though she looked a bit like the real Queen in her youth -also Bobby Robson) because every time anyone saw me they'd think there's the son of that woman who wants us to call her the Queen, but none of us are, apart from the papers.
I told Tom about my childhood food likes and dislikes, not because I was struggling to think of something to say to the son of a woman who thinks she's the Queen or to avoid shouting out "Your mother isn't the Queen", but because he had asked me about that. That's what his column is about. What food you like.
I told him about Bella's pudding. If my grandma (or even Bella) had known that one day I would talk about this dessert to the son of the Queen she would have been so amazed. Until I explained that it wasn't the Queen she was thinking of, but just another woman who said she was Queen. To be fair the actual Queen was also just a woman who said she was the Queen, but enough people went along with that one to make it apparently the case.
I did end up getting a recipe for Bella's Pudding and making one, but can't find a blog about it. I should make one for Queen Camilla.
My stories of eating egg and chips and school dinner puddings with horrible green decorations on top of them and having uneaten kimchi in my fridge did seem to resonate with Tom Parker-Bowles (which means the Queen, not the real one, the one now) had a deep fat fryer. He didn't like it if I told him too much of a story as the piece is only 1000 words long and he doesn't need to know about my complicated history with Soleros (though he is a Calippo man himself), but he laughed along whilst trying to stop me talking too much.
But it was nice to have a brief connection with someone who is the son of a Queen but can never be King. Though maybe he could just have a go of calling himself one and see if he gets away with it.
He was really nice.
I went into the kitchen and told Catie I'd just been talking to Tom Parker-Bowles. She was confused. Imagine if I'd said I was talking to the Queen's son.
Though I do talk to him most weeks in Twitch of Fun so she'd probably assume I meant him
John Kearns will be joining me for RHLSTP at the Leicester Square Theatre on March 3rd. He has done the show three times, but never at the LST. I was going to keep up this joke forever, but I am hoping he's finally popular enough to sell some tickets to my stupid unpredictable audience. Is he?
Book here.
