As you may know I am recording a DVD of "Someone Likes Yoghurt" in Cardiff on Friday. I am delighted to say that I have just found out that both shows are already sold out, so hope you got your ticket if you wanted to come.
A week or so ago I booked a room in a local hotel (part of a national chain) as I'll be staying afterwards to sample the finest soft drinks of Wales (off booze for January as usual). This morning I got an email from the hotel reminding me of the reservation and adding "We're excited you'll be visiting and are preparing for your stay."
I was delighted to find out that the staff of the hotel are "excited" about my visit. Although the email looks like something that might get sent to everyone who stayd at the hotel, but they must have added this sentence especially for me. After all if they got excited about every single visitor in a hotel with hundreds of rooms they would be in a constant state of hysteria. Only very special people get this email and doubtless they have recognised me as the man who provided the voice of a spider on school's TV in 1993 (though the tape "went wrong" and they got someone else to do the voice in the actual broadcast).
I like to imagine the housekeeping ladies passing each other in the corridors, doing a little jig and saying "Only five days until he is here!" or "I can't wait" or "I am so fucking excited that Richard Herring will be staying in our hotel. He'll probably be sleeping in one of the beds and maybe masturbating to some of our poor quality pornography. I wonder if he'll use the trouser press at all."
I am guessing that when I check in the person at reception will be barely able to speak to me and be knocking things over as I fill in the little card.
I don't think I am being fanciful about this. After all the hotel would not lie to me, would they?
I am also delighted to hear that with five days to go that they are already preparing for my visit. Even though five other people will be staying in the same room this week before I get there, the staff are still thinking ahead to my stay and are making some unknown preparations for me. Perhaps checking that the porn films are of low enough quality to ensure that I am unable to reach completion, and just falling asleep rather than messing up their sheets. Or... I don't know. What could the hotel possibly be doing five days in advance to prepare for my visit? Now I think about it it almost sounds sarcastic. Are they implying that they think I will be a troublesome or demanding guest at their establishment, so they will have to organise extra security? Or are they saying I am fat and so they've already had to start bringing in extra supplies of food? Or is it that they think I will wet the bed and so are organising some kind of rubber sheeting for me? Or that I am especially messy so they are hiring in specialist cleaning equipment? Perhaps they think I will sexually harrass the chamber maids and so are training them in basic self defence.
Suddenly I hate the hotel that I am staying in. And am even beginning to question whether they are genuinely excited about my visit. Maybe that is sarcasm or dishonesty too.
In fact I have just emailed them to find out what they have to say about their claims. Here's what I said,
"In a recent confirmatory email you said "We're excited you'll be visiting and are preparing for your stay".
I was wondering what form this excitement took. Is it just the reservation department who are particularly looking forward to my stay or is everyone in the hotel giddy with anticipation. Please let me know. I am very pleased that there is mild hysteria at the prospect of my visit and with five days to go, but I don't like to think that expectations of my stay are too high. To be honest I am probably just going to come and sleep in your hotel and maybe have breakfast, possibly watch a film if there is time, but that is my business. I hate to think that the staff, on tenterhooks waiting for me to arrive will be disappointed that I will be keeping a low profile.
Also when you say that you are preparing for my stay, what do you mean exactly? What preparations could possibly be taken so long in advance? I presume other people are using my room before me. Could you please advise as to what preparations are necessary, because I am worrying that you think I will be trouble in some way and will require specialist attention.
Also do you make the statement "We're excited you'll be visiting and are preparing for your stay" to all customers, because if so I feel that cheapens the sentiment, and am also concerned that you must be in a perpetual dizzy spin of heightened emotion. I am hoping you are just particularly excited about me and making special arrangements for me and will be very upset if you have lied to me and will consider cancelling my booking, as honesty is very important to me.
I look forward to your reply."
I will let you know what they have to say for themselves.
