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Jonathan Stahlhacke tweeted me to let me know that a YouGov page had profiled my fans, which unless you are one of those weird people who is so obsessive about someone they hate that they regularly read his diary is YOU!
So prepare to find out exactly what YOU are like. If you can’t be bothered to read the whole entry for you, let me break it down. You are a weirdo. As if I needed YouGov to tell me that.
Your favourite dish is Hummus. Seriously? Whose favourite dish would be hummus? Out of all the foods in the world. If you were on death row and it was your last meal, who would go for hummus? I like hummus. It’s OK. Every now and again at a party or something. But to be your favourite food? YOU are insane. I like to imagine that you just sit at home on the sofa in your pants scooping up hummus with your hand and licking it off your finger. Do you want some pitta bread with that? NO! Maybe a crisp or something? DON”T BE STUPID. A carrot baton? FUCK OFF. I LIKE HUMMUS. JUST HUMMUS. ON ITS OWN. DON’T LOOK AT ME.
Second place favourite food (of YOU remember. Hope you’re enjoying having this mirror held up to your life) is Enchilada. Which is an OK choice. I wouldn’t be ashamed if that was number one. Number 3 is Balti vegetable.
My favourite foods are pizza, Nandos and Thai. They don’t even make your top ten. You are nothing like me.
Your hobbies are playing an instrument in number one, writing number two and musical instruments number three. Which seems a bit of a crossover with top choice, so I presume that for some of you your hobbies are looking at or collecting musical instruments, but never playing them.
Your favourite sports are cycling and baseball. Baseball? I would not have guessed that. I can’t imagine that anyone who likes me also like baseball, but apparently it is your second favourite sport. Statistics don’t lie.
Your general interests are Video games (no surprise there), radio and science. Which sounds more like you. Were you just showing off with the baseball and hummus, but could only keep up those lies for a short time until the mask slipped.
Your niche interests (interests you do when you’re hiding in the wall?) are Culture and the Arts (yeah, that’s Jimmy Hill’s niche interest too), Playing an instrument (we’ve got it, you’re musical) and Homelessness. Is your interest not having a home or are you taking a niche interest in others who don’t have a home. Either way that’s a fucking weird interest. At best you are mildly interested in helping homeless people. You are a monster.
Your most likely pet - just one choice. You have a bird. That pretty much says it all.
It’s worth checking out the whole profile. There’s a picture of you with your bag over your shoulder and you shirt not tucked in (where is your beard?) You live in the Midlands, are male, 25-39 and have £500-£999 spare a month (so you can afford to bung me a pound a month you fucker). You are funny, geeky and alternative (you wish) but on occasion nerdy (when you’re taking time off from being geeky), misanthropic and self-absorbed. This is the first time we’re an actual match and you say, “I like to surround myself with a diverse range of cultures and ideas”, just before someone smashes you in the face for being a dick,
Worst of all your favourite TV show is Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle, which seems insensitive at best. And makes me think that all of you are just people who are obsessed with me because you hate me. I am not even in the top 5 of my fans’ favourite celebrities. Which pretty much says it all.
And if you’re sitting there eating Hummus, playing an oboe and are in the Midlands and I have just described you exactly then know this - I hate you with all my heart. Stop spending your spare money on Stewart Lee DVDs and come and see me on tour. And where were you all when I came to Loughborough.
