A slightly more settled night, though my girlfriend complained that she had almost suffocated in the night due to a mysterious cloud of eggy gas that continually filled the room. Weird, all the windows were closed. I wonder what it could have been.
But it became clear that whatever was wrong with me might not only be airborne, but capable of being transmuted by guff as midway through the morning my girlfriend was sick as well. Not only are my farts living breathing entities, as they have been for some time, they have turned out to be the enemy of the human race, attempting to bring us down with viruses. It's just like Battlestar Galactica except instead of cyborgs the enemy of mankind will be the guffs that they themselves produced. I'd love to see them reimagine the franchise one more time with that as the central thesis.
Of course in reality, with something like this there is always a good chance it is going to be passed from partner to partner, though I had hoped my girlfriend would escape it, mainly so I didn't have to return the favour and act as her nursemaid/slavegirl for a couple of days. But much as it laid her low, it was not as extreme a version of the malady as I had had. Which was some relief, though it was hard to point this out to her.
Andrew Collings was coming over to do a podcast and I had to warn him that there was a chance that if he wasn't careful he might pick up this virus, or whatever it was. I was being a man about it, prepared to record a podcast despite the fact I wasn't 100%, but when I met him in the cafe and told him about my girlfriend his face went white with fear. There had been some suggestion this might be the norovirus and Andrew silently worked at his computer, as I later discovered looking up the symptoms of the illness. To be honest it seemed to me that as long as he didn't attempt to lick my anus and I didn't vomit over him and he took care not to touch any surfaces and then stuff his hand in his mouth he would be fine and I assumed he'd be a man about it and take the chance for the sake of the podcast and you the listeners. I explained that neither my girlfriend or I had been in the attic or the garden and that I was prepared to open all doors for him so he didn't have to touch anything, but his girlish fear overcame him. I hope I never have to fight a war alongside him. If the song two little boys had been written about us, then he would have fucked off on the toy horse and left me to die and then pretended he had flat feet so he didn't have to go to battle.
I had got out of my sickbed to do this podcast when I could have been sleeping (he might argue that that was the problem) and he wouldn't even take the chance of walking through my house to my garden. Like Tiny Andrew Collings he only thinks of his own welfare. Sure there was a tiny chance he might get ill, but in some ways less chance than there would be anywhere else in the world. Because he wad prepared and forewarned in my house and could take precautions. Out in the real world he would be casual and unaware and susceptible to illness.
Yet weirdly he was happy sitting opposite me in the cafe with me talking and spraying saliva over his sandwich. Also when he wasn't looking I did a small wee in my hand and flicked it into his coffee. If he was going to be a wimp about this I would ensure he would get ill in any case.
I actually thought he would admit he was joking and come and do the podcast anyway, but he insulted me and my girlfriend by insinuating that my house was full of plague that could be breathed in (even though my girlfriend is still sure it was my farts that were responsible). The Twitter community delighted in making a load of homeopathic based jokes about how I should give him a tiny amount of the virus etc which were very tedious for him. But still funny. You'd think no malady could scare a man with such certainty in the power of nothing. But he was shaking and sweating more than I was. Imagine if he got ill and had to miss sitting in for a pregnant DJ on 6Music for one afternoon.
I said I would just do the podcast alone, but in the end we decided to do it in two solo halves. Without him to stop me I decided to go into unnecessary detail about my illness, which might not be to everyone's tastes. He asked me to send me mine when I was done but promised not to listen to it - but he was obviously lying. I am not ever going to listen to his stuff (and the benefit of this system is you get all my funny stuff and don't have to listen to him interrupting and spoiling it) but apparently he makes out that he thought his bit was going in first, even though we had agreed that mine would. He was clearly pretending he thought he was going first to cover up his duplicity. He is a coward and a liar. I can't wait to have it out with him face to face next week, if he's not too scared to come into my house. What he doesn't know is I have saved up some of the sick from the car in a binliner and am going to spray it in his face. That'll learn him.
I have been thinking for some time of dumping him anyway, so this just gave me the opportunity to show what I was capable of alone. I think we might do all the podcasts like this from now on. I think everyone will prefer it.
You can work out whether this insane experiment works by clicking here of going to iTunes.
But I think I have worked out the reason I got ill. I think that balloon in Ipswich was laced with poisoned virus, creating partnership with older people - in death. The fact I eventually survived proves that I am not yet old. Phew.
I managed to do my gig tonight with no problems, though my throat was a bit strained and sore from the vomiting still and I forgot a few things, not having done the show for a good few days. I had spent the afternoon trying to put together the slide show, with some difficulty, but finally working out what I was doing (but I only got half way through and didn't have the necessary connector to hook up the projector at the venue to my Mac anyway. It was a solid enough performance and I put in about 75% energy and hopefully now no more gigs will get canceled. Wasn't sure if I would make Dartington tomorrow, but looks like it's going to go ahead and there are still tickets for Maidenhead on Saturday where I am hoping I can preview my impressive slide show
