My day started with a jolt of horror mixed with relief as I awakened from a horrible dream. I had been asked to look after someone's child of between one and two years old. The kid had been making a lot of noise and was hard work, but I was bearing up. But then I became distracted by something on the television. After a few minutes I realised that the child had stopped bawling and I looked around, concerned as to where he had gone. He was nowhere to be seen and I thought he might have run outside, but then as I leant forward I looked behind me on the sofa and realised that I had been sitting on the child. Not only that but I'd obviously been lying back on his head and he hadn't been able to breathe and he looked lifeless. I called to him and no response and then shook him and he didn't move. Just as the horror of the situation gripped me, I woke up, hence the relief. I would really have let the mother of that baby down if that had been real life. And it would have been very hard to explain how I had managed to suffocate the baby accidentally. It would really have ruined my day to have actually killed a baby, so I am glad it wasn't true. Even if I'd said "Well you said you wanted me to baby sit him." The death of a baby is not a time for levity. Even if they were really annoying (which this one was).
But I had to check the bed to make sure there weren't any real crushed infants in there. Luckily there weren't any at all. Well only crushed baby bed bugs and no one cares about them.
But my horrible brain had conjured up a very realistic image of a lifeless baby and it was still an unsettling thing to have witnessed, even if it was only pretend. And I was worried about going back to sleep again tonight in case the dreamscape police were waiting to arrest me. I could spend the rest of my dreaming days in dream prison.
It is fortunate that what we do in our dreams has no repercussions and we just start the next dream with the slate wiped clean. If only life was like that.
If you are hoping to come to the Lyric Comedy Night on Sunday to see me, Stewart Lee, Dan Antopolski and Andrew Lawrence, there are only 3 tickets left so
BOOK NOW.
