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So there’s a bit of news that I’ve been keeping from you - unless you were one of the faithful that have seen Lord of the Dance Settee. Some of my sexcrement has managed to achieve autonomy and is currently cooking a baby in my wife’s stomach (as I understand it). I announced the happy (but let’s face it, when you think about how it happened pretty disgusting) event in today’s Metro. It’s pretty unlucky that I impregnated someone the very first time I had sex, but I am not going to be a dick about it. I am going to stand by my wife at this difficult time and we’ve decided to keep it. Embarrassingly no one is quite sure if it’s Me1 or Me2’s baby, though by all accounts Me3 is in the clear. Might be some added tension in the forthcoming snooker frames. Not least as the players consider whether this is a fitting pastime for someone’s father. But then if we start thinking like that then there’s going to be a lot of changes!
I am really looking forward to my life being turned upside down like I am a Fresh Prince of Bel Air, though the wait for the baby to come out is interminable. Being an expectant father is Hell. It’s the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do. Thanks to everyone who has offered me congratulations (but please, think what you are congratulating me for. You are disgusting). My wife was also involved on a peripheral level. Planting the seed is the hard bit as we all know. Who knew these gnarled and dry old testis still had it in them?
It was a busy day in Salford/Manchester. First up I was talking to the Radio Academy about how to make money from podcasting (they clearly haven’t checked my accounts). It was a brief but fun chat with Geoff Lloyd who I like very much (and who is still my and Collings' safe word). I think the chat will go up as a podcast at some point.
I failed to catch up with my work in the afternoon, having to do more admin stuff like send Chris Evans (not that one) more “10” DVDS for his crazy GFS sale (you get a free “10” DVD with any two Herring based purchases on the site, ridiculously including badges, so you could potentially get a copy of 10 for £2+p&p - doesn’t this man realise that I have a baby to feed now?) and another round of trying to get someone from Sky round to fix my TV (I think I managed this time, though cheekily they had sent me through a text questionnaire to see how happy I was with their service yesterday - they did not score well).
Then I was up to the Frog and Bucket for my 10th consecutive year of post-Fringe show performances. The medium sized comedy club was sold out, but Manchester is one of my banker towns so this does not give me a clear indication of whether the tour will be a success or not. Sales for later in the week, particularly in Crewe and the Warwick Arts Centre are a bit low. If you’re near to those towns or indeed Newcastle or Wakefield then do try and spread the word. The audience here is nearly always fantastic (I did have some annoying and drunk heckler/talkers a few years back) and tonight they were into the show from the start. It was terrific fun to perform it and again I am really enjoying having the time to mess about, expand and slow down, without the restrictions of the Edinburgh Fringe time slot. It felt like a great show tonight - let’s see how I feel after Crewe.
And then I was driven over to XS Mallarkey to take part in the Storyteller’s Club. As this year’s stand up show is mainly stories I had lots of stuff to choose from. It was a small but engaged audience and it was a pleasure for me not to have to head straight back to the hotel after my main gig. Though, of course, I was just delaying the inevitable loneliness of the long distance punner (be a better pun if I did puns).
The Krazy Go Faster Sale has become even more mentally unbalanced. The Talking Cock book has been added to the impressive roster of bank breakingly cheap DVDs for just £3. These offers are only good whilst stocks last. So head to http://www.gofasterstripe.com/sale and fill your boots.
