7981/20922
Many congratulations to Stewart Lee for this remarkable win at the world conker championship. Some think we're fierce rivals, but I couldn't be happier to see him win this. The people who said he used a metal conker don’t know how upstanding and honest he always is. Ignore the haters, Stew.
Speaking of comedians most likely to start a cult, Russell Brand is apparently backing a magical amulet designed to protect the wearer from harmful signals from mobile phones and electronic devices. It's only about £300 which is good when you think of the protection it will give you, especially in airports. I don't quite know how an amulet is able to soak up all the signals around a person - you'd think you'd need some kind of body suit, but it's that kind of ignorance of the ways magic amulets work that keep me out of the magic amulet business. I have however managed to successfully sell bits of stone to some of my fans, so I am not totally useless at this.
It's easy to laugh at Brand or call him a grifter or point out that women might require an amulet to protect themselves from him (cheap shots), but he might be on to something. I remember playing for hours on the Acorn Electron as a kid and I would put the keyboard on my lap. It got quite hot sometimes and I may be imagining this, but it seemed to result in a portion of my leg not growing any hair. I even thought at the time, this is a bit dangerous- this thing might make me infertile (and I was an unusual teenage boy in that I desperately wanted to have kids (not just yet, I was too scared to have sex at this time and also no one wanted to do it with me). And that voice of warning - perhaps me from my own future- was proven correct, perhaps, as it seems highly likely that the radiation and signals from that laptop fried my testicle and caused it to develop cancer forty years later.
If only I had had an amulet then I might be complete.
Of course the best thing that can happen to Brand is that millions of people retweet and write about this, because all they need is for as many people as possible to see it, because it only takes a small proportion to buy an amulet and he's quids in. Luckily for me I am on a deal with Brand where I get a free magical amulet for every 10,000 people who buy an amulet as a direct result of reading this blog.
You suckers.
The BBC told me it was the last chance to see the "comet of the century" for 80,000 years. Seems a bit weird to qualify it only as the comet of the century, but also is there any need to add the bit about 80,000 years. Is anyone reading that and thinking - "I'll wait til next time"? I think it's fair to say that this is the last chance for any of us to see it and there's a good likelihood that we'll be the last humans to see it too. If you're reading this in 82024 whilst looking at the comet, you are probably thinking I'm a right prick.
