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Not content with being a world-class cricketer and boffing Liz Hurley, Shane Warne has decided to dip his toe into evolutionary biology. He’s basically asked that perennial question, “If we evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys?” Richard Dawkins must be furious that he never thought of that. And he can’t explain it. Don’t even try Dawkins. You can’t. Warne also believes that aliens built the pyramids. The real question is if we evolved from monkeys, why do we still have Shane Warne?
Not only did we get a lie-in (which I needed because I had woken up at 3am because of the booze in my system - but managed to get back to sleep after a couple of hours), but we also had a baby-free day as Phoebe’s grandparents were doing the honours. I love you very much indeed Phoebe, but it’s been great to get a little break. But it’s worth having a baby so you really appreciate how good it is to not have a baby. Just not having a baby doesn’t do it, I am afraid. You need to have one and then all the little things you once took for granted are simply amazing. We had some sushi and went to the supermarket. It was blinding.
So after the grandparents had gone I was delighted to give my daughter a bath and make her laugh and then put her to bed. My wife made dinner, including some brownies made out of beetroot. There’s no way on God’s earth why putting the worst thing on God’s earth into one of the best things should work. But if you didn’t know there was beetroot in there, you wouldn’t know there was beetroot in there. I mean, they were a bit more purple than usual, but otherwise just like a proper non-beetroot filled brownie.
And I was delighted to see the BBC making the retrograde step of bringing back “Are You Being Served?” It’s a good job there are so many old sitcoms to remake because there is no one capable of writing any new ones. And there is nothing funny than Mrs Slocombe’s vagina. Nothing. Also Slocombe sounds a bit like slow cum. Which is funny because she is old and thus it would take either a) her a while to orgasm or b) any lover of hers to be able to ejaculate. Captain Peacock is also funny because a cock does a pee and it doesn’t work as well if you put a pea in it. Mr Rumbold is funny because it sounds like Bum Old. Miss Brahms is funny because it contains the words bra and arms and Mr Humphries is funny because he is a woolly woofter. They literally don’t write them like this any more. Except when they decide to bring this back. Then they literally do write them like this.
I can’t blame the BBC for trying to recapture the glory days of the 1970s and 1980s when Jim’ll Fix It, Rolf’s Cartoon Club and It’s a Knockout were riding high in the charts. Why wouldn’t we want to be reminded of that time?
When will 21st Century sex offenders get the chance to be on the telly?
It’s just a one-off for the moment, as part of a season that brings back loads of old sitcoms because writers of today just can’t write them any more. And no, Parks and Recreation, Thirty Rock, Catastrophe, Community etc are not any good because they rarely contain double entendres or old women with pink hair who could only make me come slowly (and that’s obviously a bad thing).
I love the BBC. I really love it and I want it to be a thing forever. But please make an effort not to commit a slow and embarrassing suicide. Why try to appeal to the over 60s when those fuckers don’t even have to pay for their licence any more?
Talking of things that could save the BBC and prove today’s comedy is brilliant, frame 72 of Me1 Vs Me2 Snooker (it's very tightly scripted) is now up in the usual places. I recorded it two weeks ago, after playing two other frames, in a boiling hot room, whilst drinking whisky. I have no idea what happened. And I don't intend to listen to find out. Do you?
