Derek Acorah, a man who claims to be able to speak to the dead, which seems unlikely to me, has apparently told the Sun (I think he now disputes that he said this) that according to one of his sources on the other side,
Maddie McCann is "not on this earth any more". Which is such an odd way to say that someone is dead that it makes me suspect that the spirit who told him this believes that Maddie is on a different planet. It sounds more like a claim that she's been abducted by aliens rather than her being dead. Which at least would have been a more positive spin.
It's caused some consternation that he would be so sick as to say this, which I can understand up to a point, because even if he was able to talk to the dead, would a national newspaper be the best way to relay the bad news to the parents. But he can't talk to the dead and so he's just making something up (which let's face it is fairly likely to be true, but that's not the point) and then getting it put in a paper. It's nasty. But it's what he and other mediums do every day about less publicised cases.
If Acorah can really talk to the dead, then why can't he get Maddie or one of the other ghosts to give him name and address of whoever abducted her? The answer is that he can't talk to the dead and so can't give us any useful information. Or that he can talk to the dead but they can't tell him anything that we don't already know and only then pretty vaguely. Which is as much use as not being able to talk to the dead. If there was a version of wikipedia which told you a rough version of what you already knew about a subject written in a convoluted way and requiring you to put in some answers yourself which it would then use to adapt its knowledge then I don't think it would be a very popular website. In fact I don't think anyone would use it once they had the fun of laughing at how shit and pointless it was. Derek Acorah (and all other mediums) are at best a rubbish broken wikipedia that tells you stuff that is either unverifiable, made up or that you already know. That's the best he could be. Why is anyone continuing to use this useless service.
Some people told me that Maddie could not give Acorah the name and address of the killer because she would have been too young to notice such a thing. Yes, you're right, that's the problem with what I said. Not the thing about a man being able to talk to dead people.
Imagine if you had access to the other side. My first question would be, "Which religion turns out to be right?" or "Do you know the meaning of life?" or "Can you give me specific detailed information about where some pirate treasure is buried?" If I could speak to dead people I might use the power to solve all crimes and locate all dead and missing children (and then some pirate treasure).
You might say that the ghosts can't answer these questions becasue you can only get snatches of conversations, but the spirit that Acorah talked to got out a cohesive (if oddly worded) sentence, "She's not on this Earth any more". Even if being dead is like a Twitter where you're limited to 32 characters then you can still get some pretty top answers. "Islam is right" or "Life has no meaning" or "God is a cunt". The answers are there to be had if you can find a ghost who doesn't waffle.
Some people on Twitter told me "That's not how it works", which is a convenient escape route. But if it doesn't work like that, then it doesn't work at all. If we can't get some specifics or even just a vague idea of where a missing or dead child might be - just the first letter of the country they were in would be a help, then there's not much point in having the power.
Some people think that most mediums are charlatans but that maybe one in 10 actually have real power. Well if that's the case, help us out with the crimes. Not some vague power which comes and goes and is right every now and again - you've got a hotline to so much information, even if the line is crackly and the ghosts can only communicate by charades, then I reckon with some graft we should be able to sort stuff out. To tour the country putting on live shows or appearing on TV finding the occasional ghost seems a bit of a waste of this power. Why not spend most of your time doing helpful things anonymously and then maybe one in ten days you're allowed to find some pirate treasure to keep you going?
If it's all entertaining and fun to use people's grief and vulnerability to make a living, then you can't really get too upset when someone uses a notorious case to get some publicity. The whole thing is awful and ridiculous and the main point is even if they can do it (which they can't) then what they can do is no more useful than not being able to do it, so there is nothing to be gained other than a vague sense that when people die they don't just die. But this place where spirits reside, drifting around, communicating with shady and idiotic characters and not getting out much useful information seems like some kind of celestial old folks' home rather than somewhere I'd want my dead relatives to be.
So what's incredible isn't that Acorah has made the horrible claims about a missing child, it's that all of these idiots make a living doing very similar things on a daily basis and that that is allowed and defended.
I am sure more people will get in touch now to tell me how only this case is fraudulent or that it is possible to communicate with the dead, but unless you can show me an example of someone who can actually have a proper conversation and always solve crimes and who can give me a detailed description of what the after life involves an which God I should be worshipping if I want to get in, then I am not really interested. I can make my own guesses and already know the first letters of the names of relatives that have died.
As I accidentally said at the last Set List we can all talk to the dead, but I would say it's pretty clear that the dead are not the best conversationalists in return. Their silence is very frosty. Maybe they can talk back, but the fact that they choose not to is very revealing I think.
If you want to find out what happens when you die then you really don't have very long to wait. You don't read the last page of a book before you're read the rest do you? Wait til the end and all will be revealed. And unless you're like one of those dicks who tells people the end of films that you've seen and they haven't, when Derek Acorah gets in touch you're going to keep your secrets from him.
If I was a ghost and Derek Acorah got in touch with me I would definitely tell him a load of shit anyway. Who's to say dead people would tell the truth just cos they're dead anyway? We all lie through our teeth when we're alive - why would death make us honest. I'd envy the living and make up all kinds of shit. So even if you can talk to the dead and they talk back then it doesn't mean anything. So let's take a leaf out of their book and keep our mouths shut. They will be gaping wide and full of worms in the blink of an eye.
The latest Metro column is up
here, a slightly more developed version of last week's blog. Judging by Twitter response it seems to have resonated more than anything else I've written in that paper. And I got the word jism in, so I am more than happy.
And the first of this week's RHLST podcasts are now up on
iTunes or
the British Comedy Guide.
