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Monday 16th February 2015

Monday 16th February 2015

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The curse of Dad’s Army struck again with 95 year old, Pamela Cundell who played Mrs Fox being the latest one to pass away before her time. Ian Lavender seems set to pick up the tontine that he cannily set up with the entire cast in the early 70s. I am not pointing any fingers, but it does look a bit suspicious. Unless the butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-his-mouth vicar Frank Williams turns out to the surprise serial killer/jackpot winner. Time will tell.
Or maybe it’s like the film Ten Little Indians, crossed with the unexpected resurrection of Tony Hart. What if one of the other cast members faked his or her own death to win the ultimate prize? I just hope that this is what the new Dad’s Army film is about. But if not, will the curse crossover to the new cast too. Come back in 50 years time and I think you’ll see a chilling pattern developing.
My parents came to visit their new grandchild today (Phoebe met her other grandparents for the first time last week, and her great-grandma yesterday). It’s been about 23 years since mum and dad last became grandparents and all my brother and sister’s kids are grown-up now. At least I beat them to having a baby, but it’s a reminder of how late I have left this.
My dad was 47 and a half when he first became a grandad and we worked out today that he was just two days older than I was when I first became a dad. Which says something about the different priorities of our generations and even between me and my brother and sister. Early 60s kids still had to grow up and be like adults by the time they were 20, late 60s kids could mess about for the first half century. It’s been terrific and moving seeing all the grandparents meet Phoebe, but I especially loved the joy on my dad’s face. And Phoebe immediately stopped crying once she was in his arms and was as fascinated by him as she was with all those Ferrero Rochers. Maybe she’ll do a show called “The Headmaster’s Granddaughter” about him. I am not pushing her into being a comedian, she can choose whatever job she likes, as long as she at least goes to Edinburgh and wins the big comedy award and screams, “That’s for my dad, who you were all too stupid to realise was a comedy genius” into the microphone before throwing the award back in the faces of the panel who gave it to her. As long as she does that she’s free to do anything she desires. It’s important not to impose your own concerns and dreams on to your children and let them be who they want to be.
Phoebe is definitely funny though and can pull some brilliant faces, crossing from extreme anger, to what looks like a cheeky smile (but might just be her enjoying a cheeky fart) within milli-seconds.  She’s still making me laugh, even when, like tonight she is keeping me awake with her grouchiness. She hasn’t worn me down yet. I had vowed never to lie to her, but I have been tricking her into thinking she’s suckling by using my finger. It keeps her quiet and buys some sleepy time for my wife. But her trust in the idea that my finger will give her sustenance is heart-breaking. It’s the first of many deceptions and facades that I will create for her, though I have to say she’s so committed that I sometimes think she might manage to get milk out of my digits. And it makes me very glad that I am not the one who has to breastfeed, that little milk-extracting machine being clamped on to something as sensitive as a nipple is yet another of God’s misogynist tricks. All hail to the mothers of this world. You are simply incredible.
It was strange to watch an episode of “The Walking Dead’ with her snoozing on my wife’s lap. Last week we’d watched the show alone and a couple of hours later this whole shebang began. It’s been a short and long week.
More signed snooker balls up for auction on eBay. Last week Me2’s ball went for the most money. Me1 was down on a par with Me3 and Me1:1:2 (which is frankly embarrassing). Hope his fans do better this week. And the real jewel in the crown is my now “You want the Moon on a stick” T shirt from the 1990s. Check out my ebay page here.
As always all money will fund new internet projects. And you will get to see me live tweeting my post office experience.
Don’t forget the Lord of the Dance Settee tour kicks off again at the weekend. I am in Colchester on Friday, Aylesbury on Saturday, Exeter on Sunday and Cheddar on Monday. All details are here.


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