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I have been troubled by a loose ring and there is nothing in the world worse than that.
My wedding ring has been slipping off my finger every now and again as if some Heavenly force is trying to tell me that my love for my wife is a sham and an offence against nature. Either that or the ring is too big or my finger is too small.
I decided I should probably get it sorted out and if the ring then kept falling off my finger even when it had been made smaller, only then should I divorce my wife and devote the rest of my life to Jesus.
So I took the ring back to the ring shop and gave them my ring. I am talking about my wedding ring still, what's wrong with you people? My wedding ring is a solemn and Holy thing representing my love for my wife and it offends me that you keep sniggering at the idea that it might be my anus. The woman in the ring shop took my ring, fingered it and impaled it on a big spiky thing which lets you know how big your ring is. She had to ram the spike thing hard so that it was a tight fit. It made my eyes water. Because I was sad to be not wearing my ring.
We then tried some smaller rings on my finger and it seems that in the two years since I was last in here my finger is two ring sizes smaller. The stress of marriage has certainly taken its toll on my finger width. So they're sending the ring away to be squashed down to the right size, but it's going to take 3 weeks. So as I understand it that means that I am single again until the ring is back on my finger. Form an orderly queue ladies and gay men and bisexual men and women. And lesbians and straight men who for some reason want to have sex with me. My wife say the wedding vows override the ring, but I am pretty sure the fidelity bit all rests in the ring and if you can just get the thing off your finger you're allowed to do what you like.
The ring resize was complimentary, which I thought was nice, until I remembered how much the ring had cost me. The lady also said that my ring would be polished for free. This time though she was referring to my anus. Proving for anyone who doubted it that the fidelity power comes from the ring. The first woman I met once my ring was off was offering to do things to me that I could never have imagined were possible (and which seemed quite unpleasant when you thought about it).
It certainly felt strange to be ringless for the rest of the day. And several times I had a minor momentary panic as I thought my ring had fallen off and been lost, before I remembered that it was in the ring shop. I have become so accustomed to my shackles that I miss them when they are gone. Or did I miss this little bond with my amazing wife? When I missed her I could touch it and feel a little psychic connection.
I will at least be glad to have it properly welded to my finger so I can't lose it. And if I regain the weight that I've lost then there's a good chance that the ring will be on my finger permanently, so I'd better enjoy these last few days of blood flow.
