I am sad to say that after today there are only two more Andrew Collings shows to go. Andrew is moving onwards and there's a bit of a reshuffle going on, so today was my last but one, but one of this show. It's been terrific fun over the last couple of years and I will miss it when it's gone. Andrew was very supportive to me at a time when few other people were being and I will always be grateful for that. Not so grateful that I spell his surname correctly. He would have to do something extraordinary to achieve that honour. Or is more of an honour that I always spell it wrong? No, no, it's just rude. Ah well. But enjoy that paragraph. Somewhere in there is some sincerity, which is a rare thing for a Warming Up entry.
It should be worth tuning in for the last two shows as there is already an end of term atmosphere and I feel sure that Collings will goad me on to say something atrocious before it's all over. In a fortnight I will be guesting for the entire show, which will be a fitting end to an enjoyable tenure. Today I was promising that on the final show I was going to say the rudest possible word in the world - what are they going to do, sack me? Andrew, who usually stands up for all that is good and right and has been a good company man for the BBC in all the time I have known him is getting to a point where he doesn't really care any more and basically said that I should do it. He even tried to use it as a way to get more listeners. "It's a fortnight to D-Day!" he told them.
"It's a fortnight to C-Day!" I corrected him.
Would it be worth effectively ending my radio career for a pointless and puerile piece of swearing?
You know I think it might. You will have to tune in to find out. It's a bit late to get into the show if you have never listened before, but you only have two more opportunities. And I am going to say "Cunt!" on one of those. I don't think I have dilluted the excitement of that possibility by writing it down here. The word has less power written down on a blog than said out loud on the world's premium broadcasting corporation's airwaves. Don't think you'll wait for the listen again either, cos obviously it won't be on there. You will have to be there live to see if i do it. Text and email in your encouragement if you think my resolve is flagging.
If you'd listened today you wouldn't have heard me swear, but you would have heard me suggest that all politicians should have meerkat on their heads, which stands up in that endearing way whenever the politician lies. You'd have to train the meerkats and it might be costly, but I think it would be worth the expense. No politician would dare lie again. Meerkats are incorruptible. They care not for money or possessions. That's why it would be such a good system.
I also discussed with Collings whether it was possible to be a "bit gay", which I took as meaning that you only put a little bit of your cock in to a man (if you are a man). I didn't say cock, but it got about as graphic as possible. And that's with two weeks still to go. Imagine what it will be like when we hav even less to lose.
