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This is probably the toughest leg of the tour (though it’s nothing compared to the old days) with 10 gigs in 11 days and the next five nights away from home (though my family are going to come out to see me in Norwich on Saturday). We set off early for Newcastle. I kissed my wife and my daughter and tried not to think about how long it would be before I saw them again. I told Phoebe not to learn anything in the next five days so that I wouldn’t miss any exciting developments.
I passed the journey laughing and tweeting about the judges who have been sacked for watching porn on their work computers. And though it’s funny (and impressive) for anyone to make the news when having a private wank (it’s easy to make the news if you wank in public, but you have to be a superstar for getting on the Radio 4 news for waking when no one else is around), so congratulations are in order to Timothy Bowles, Warren Grant, Peter Bullock and Andrew Maw. It’s time to pop a bottle of champagne (not a euphemism).
But there must have been a lot of nervous judges going into work today and indeed any other professional or person who works with a computer. If we’re going to start sacking people for looking at porn on a work computer, well then it’s certainly time for me to hand in my resignation. And I should apologise further because I was watching porn as I handed in my resignation.
I mean if the judges were watching porn during the cases they were presiding over and furiously banging their gavels then I can see why that would be an issue, but to empty your private chamber in your private chambers, whilst wearing a weird wig, then that’s up to you.
Would anyone be left at work if everyone who watched porn in private on a work computer was sacked? Maybe it would be a better idea to offer a raise (not a euphemism) to anyone who can prove they have never watched porn on a work computer. I wonder how many people would come forward to claim that. Are you sure you never have?
I don’t like the idea of sexually frustrated judges passing down harsh sentences because they aren’t properly relaxed. Though then again I am not sure they should be doing the same whilst experiencing the post-release euphoria. Or in the post-release feeling of self-loathing and disgust. So as long as they haven’t “viewed” porn in the fifteen minutes after “releasing the innocents” then I don’t think it’s a problem.
There’s something a bit Orwellian about this sacking and public shaming though. They are just doing something that most people do every single day. First they came for the wanking judges and I did not speak out because I am not a wanking judge. Then they came for the wanking doctors and I did not speak out because I am not a wanking doctor. Then they came for the wanking dentists and I didn’t speak out, because I am not a walking dentist. To be honest I wasn’t too worried because I figured it was going to be a long time before they got to the wanking comedians, so I just used the time to get in as many wanks as possible. And you know, once they put me in prison I would say that would just give me even more time to focus in on my wanking.
Judge not wanking judges lest you be judged by a secretly waking judge. Or wanked by one. Let he who is without sin wank the first wank.
Channel 4 news got in touch with me (presumably in my guise of wanking expert) tp ask me if I’d go on the show that night to discuss the situation. It would have been fun to ask Jon Snow if he was prepared to share his internet history with the viewers, but I had a show to do. And I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t say “wanking”. And how proud would my mum be to see me pop up on such an august institution as a wanking expert? I would say I am an enthusiastic amateur personally.
I had a bit of a brain freeze early on in the Newcastle gig, which comes from being a bit tired, but mainly having had a day off and my brain relaxing (in this case relaxing is not a euphemism for masturbation). As with all the venues run by the Stand this is a terrific room and I had well over 250 people in, none of whom seemed to be celebrating St Patrick’s Day (which seems to have become a day where you show your support by wearing outlandish headgear, which was something St Patrick was really into). No room for a settee, but this theatrical show again seemed to go best in a comedy club environment. And I get to play the Stand for the next two nights too, first in Edinburgh and then in Glasgow. Glasgow is sold out but Edinburgh never seems all that interested in the return of its king (maybe they resent me for having crowned myself that) so there’s some tickets left for that one.
The free audio versions will be up on the British Comedy Guide and iTunes later this week.
