My evil manager Jon rang me today as I was waiting at Luton from my train back to London (another bumpy flight in a small propeller plane, which made me realise that I do not wish to die just yet and so was pleased when I didn't).
"I forgot to say," Jon started, "While you were away the "I'm A Celebrity" people got in touch to see if you'd like to come in for a meeting. Are you interested?"
It took me less than one heartbeat to come back with, "No!" I made the presumption, correctly I imagine, that they were considering me as a "Celebrity" though I suppose there's a chance they just wanted to have a chat with me and see what I thought about the show.
It's not a programme that I can envision ever appearing on. As with most sane people, the concept of appearing on such a high profile reality show, where everything you do is under such scrutiny and where essentially you are just fodder to be bullied by the rest of the nation does not appeal to me. And I don't think there would be any way I could come out of it well. By going on you are essentially agreeing to allow your personal life to become fair game for the tabloids and although it would raise my profile, at what cost? I may got offered more work, but it would be the wrong kind of work and I think it would probably mean I would get offered less of the work that I want to do and also I would have to eat kangaroo testicles and be jumped on by rats and have to hang around with a load of attention seeking, insecure idiots. I can't think of anything worse. It was not a hard decision.
I have done a reality TV show before, of course, when I took part in the "Celebrity" Boat Race, which was pretty much free of celebrities. But I had thought very hard about that and only did it because I had worked out that it would be quite an obscure programme, that hardly anyone would watch, which would in any case be focusing on over a dozen people. I realised that consequently I would feature on it very little and made sure that I wouldn't be filmed while I was sleeping or in potentially embarrassing situations. I correctly worked out that I would retain my anonymity, whilst at the same time getting trained by Olympic athletes, ahead of my Marathon run. Stewart Lee once unkindly suggested that I had done that programme because of my need to show off and be in the limelight, but in fact, it was almost the opposite of that. I did it only when I was fairly certain that it would go unnoticed.
And I am very glad I did it. It was one of the most remarkable experiences of my life and helped turn my life around. I attempted something that I thought I would never be able to do and met some very inspiring people, not least of them Martin Cross, who coached our team and taught me many valuable lessons. Being part of an underdog team, determined to overcome our rivals and then winning through was enormously satisfying and meeting and getting to know someone like Jonathan Aitken, who I would never have crossed paths with otherwise was fascinating and illuminating. Getting to like him was another strange consequence. I was very lucky that the whole thing turned out to be so low key and yet so personally valuable to me.
But I don't think "I'm A Celebrity" would be any way as rewarding. I think it would certainly be an incredible experience, but also a living nightmare that might have repercussions on my whole life (what if I let slip that I hate people of all other races, and my own race and anyone who isn't me - I could be the new Jade Goody). And even if it went well all that I would get would be fame and money, which might seem good to you, but I could certainly do without the former and prefer to earn the latter by doing things I am proud of. The minute you are working just for recognition and cash is the minute you might as well give up this job. After all if I wanted everyone to know who I was then I could just as well commit a string of prostitute murders and if I wanted money above everything else then I could have worked in the city.
On top of all this it is slightly insulting to be asked on the show at all, because although the word "celebrity" is in the title, we all know that the people they have on rarely deserve that epithet and are generally people who have either fucked up in some way in the past or were once well known, but whose star had faded and are making a desperate attempt to once again rekindle public interest. I am not sure I fall into either camp - I was never successful enough in the first place to rekindle anything - and would just be another person that people would be asking "Who the Hell is he when he's at home?" about. There are a few cooler people who have done these shows and come off OK (maybe Johnny Rotten and Jack Dee), but I don't think I'd fit into that box either. I could only lose.
Maybe there is a tiny part of me that would be curious to see what such a monstrosity would be like to be a part of. It would make for some interesting blog entries (though only retrospectively - I wouldn't be allowed to take my laptop in there, which is reason enough to refuse in itself) and as a writer I feel I should experience as many things as possible. But as a writer I also like the general anonymity that I have as I go about my day to day life, which allows me to observe without being observed. And I don't want to do adverts or host a makeover show and that seems pretty much the best you can hope for from "Celeb". So I shall stay lurking in the shadowy world between celebrity and real life, not quite belonging in either realm.
I saw Hans Teeuwen's show at the Arts Theatre tonight. I don't think he had a particularly good one, but it still made me howl and
his song about Nostradamus will be in my head for a long time. The You Tube bit is rather truncated from what you'll see if you go to
his show but you get the idea. I like the fact that Nostradamus might have green and tight trousers and that is what he is mainly known for, according to Hans. Anyway, the show left some people around me rather cold (which just made me enjoy it more), but there's some terrific stuff in there, so pop along if you get the chance to see him.
And if you want some terrific value comedy this weekend, I can give you a special Warming Up offer for the show at
the Lyric on Sunday. If you ring the box office on 0871 22 117 29 and quote "Richard's Blog" you can get a tickets for just FIVE POUNDS (a saving of TEN POUNDS a ticket). It's a really brilliant line up of established and newer acts, including Edinburgh best newcomer 2007, Tom Basden, the wonderful Francesca Martinez and the incomparable Jenny Eclair headlining, as well as terrific new act Brian Gittens who is worth the entrance fee on his own. Sales have been a bit slow, so it would be great if you could come along in order to make sure that these terrific shows continue.
And for poster fans, there are now a very limited amount of "Oh F***, I'm 40" posters available for five pounds each at
go faster stripe. It's a forgotten stash of no more than 40 full size posters from Edinburgh and so they are incredibly rare and there won't be any more once they're gone. You can still buy them in the three for £10 offer as well. So be quick if you want one.
That's all the hawking done. Who needs I'm a Celebrity? I will be able to retire on these poster sales!
