Thankfully there was an email from Robert Perkins this morning saying that luckily Robert had heeded Collings' email warning and listened to the podcast before using it as a tool of proposal. On balance he decided it would be better to ask for Jo's hand in marriage in a more traditional way, before then playing her the podcast. Which she found funny, though a bit shocking, so he probably made the right choice. By now she was committed!
However I am somewhat affronted that having heard my own proposal to her, she still chose to stay with Rob. How could she turn me down? I've been on TV and was once the voice of a spider of a school's TV programme (though the tape "went wrong" and they got someone else to revoice it for actual broadcast - but still). If she's choose her long time boyfriend over a famous celebrity that she's never met then something has gone severely wrong with the natural order of things.
Rob said something very pertinent when I emailed him and let him know I was relieved because I'd been scared I'd been too rude. "Some people take life way to seriously," he said, "and get offended by any old rubbish but both her and I know the difference between genuine insult and attack and comedy."
I know most of you understand the tone of the podcast and that if anything it's generally quite a compliment if I am very rude about someone, usually (though not always) saving my podcast support for whoever has the most idiotic life view. But nice to have it expressed so eloquently by a man with a BSc (from Portsmouth as it turns out). I can see why Jo said yes. In fact now I regret my actions and wish that I had attempted to marry him instead. He'd definitely have been lured away by my lustrous showbiz veneer. And if he'd married me I could have got him to design my website for free. Although, obviously, there'd be nothing on it.
I was back on tour after nearly two weeks off (from the show, it's not like I haven't been working) and headed up to Stafford this afternoon. Incredibly I hit what was practically the first traffic jam in the 4000+ miles that I have traversed thus far. I got to the theatre in plenty of time, though if I had known it was a 7.30 start tonight I might have been a bit more panicky!
I'd stopped off at the hotel and when I opened my suitcase to get out the T shirt I wanted to wear on stage I discovered I had neglected to pack any extra tops, leaving them instead in a pile on my bed at home. Fortunately I was wearing a T shirt and a jumper so wouldn't have to go on stage topless.
Backstage I tweeted (on Twitter) about my plight, hoping that some idiot would have made me some Oatmilk or bumming based T shirt so I'd have something unsoiled to change into tomorrow. Incredibly on the the Tweeter twits in the audience that night had a promotional T shirt that they'd just been given with them and offered it to me, whilst admitting it was quite an unpleasant garment. What were the chances?
When I saw it afterwards I decided I'd rather just wear the same shirt I had on again and take my chances in Stafford town centre in the morning.
But the power of Twitter was also demonstrated when I requested that my followers (and when they start doing your bidding that's a dangerous term - especially for a man contemplating a Hitler moustache) go and subscribe to our podcast on iTunes to try and consolidate and improve upon our excellent new chart position (we were back up to 22nd in the main charts this morning). By the evening we were up to 17th (though Collings will no doubt claim that this was down to his plug on the Simon Mayo radio show - as if, grandad). As I write we've shot up again to an unprecedented 11th place - we're nearly in the top 10! Incredible. Thanks Twitter followers. Drink your Kool Aid .... NOW!
The vagueries of how the iTunes chart is compiled are many and varied and the whole process is shrouded in mystery. Some people claim if you subscribe and then unsubscribe and the subscribe again that that will improve matters. Others that 5 star reviews boost your position (which given the number of people who give us bad reviews on purpose to get a mention is probably not helping us). I don't think Collings and me are so desperate as to want to cheat our way into the top 10 (who am I kidding? Of course we are. No one is more desperate for pointless affirmation of our existence than the two most solipsistic and insecure men on the planet), but if you want to help push us onwards and upwards, then why not spread the word to your (more broad minded) friends and ask them to subscribe. All the people above us are major TV stars (who any girl would leave their boyfriend if they proposed sight unseen - especially Stephen Fry) and have the weight of major broadcasters and PR machines behind them. It's incredible we're up amongst them, if only for a day and if only because of an orchestrated campaign. But I reckon we can take "Best of Youtube" and get in the top 10. Which would make two madmen in an attic very happy. Collings life is falling apart and all his TV shows are getting canceled and rejected and we all know the pain he has to endure caring for his mother. I think he might be on the point of giving up the ghost. Being in a top 10, without even having to make a wry, but obvious observation about it, will be the greatest achievement of his life. It doesn't matter too much to me. I have presented Top of the Pops twice and am confident and successful enough to not have to waste my time going back to iTunes every five minutes to see how many people like me (and anyone who says I do and that they have the internet records to prove it, is lying). So for the sake of Collings, please help us achieve our goal.
Thanks to everyone at the Stafford Gatehouse. It was a lovely gig and though I thought looking out at the crowd that it might be another Derby, they turned out to be more up for the offensive stuff than pretty much any audience. And the staff at the theatre (and there seemed to be hundreds of them) were polite, helpful, friendly and efficient. And there was a big plate of sandwiches, even though the traffic jam had meant I didn't have time to buy anything myself (Herring's 3rd law confounded again). They are certainly in line for some kind of award at the end of tour ceremony. I know all the venues are looking forward to that. Apart from all the cunts who work at the Warwick Arts Centre.
Ha ha, only kidding. Come on guys, I'm only offensive to the people I really like. Nearly always only them.
