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My body decided I needed a rest ahead of tomorrow’s International Men’s Day and aside from practising typing the phrase “It’s March 8th” over and over again in preparation for the inevitable question I did very little today. Perhaps one day I will make a living as a person that you can tweet to ask what day stuff happens on and I will immediately respond at any time of the day or night. I need to find a way to monetise it, but I am up for that. Too lazy to google? Got 5p you don’t need. Then just tweet @Herring1967 for your answer.
I already make a tidy sum, of course, from my Lord Sugar football Retweets, bringing me in a cool million a year in subscription fees and advertising. And Shugs seems to be on a bit of a blocking bender at the moment, which just makes my service all the more valuable. If you can’t access Lord Sugar’s tweets then how are you going to find out the latest Spurs score. There’s only one way and little Richy Herring owns the monopoly.
I love the way that Lord Sugar thinks he’s great at putting tweeters down in real life, even when he doesn’t have his (admittedly brilliantly witty) Apprentice script writers to help him. I also like the way he gets very upset when people say “You’re Fired” to him, thinking that they think they are the first person to ever tweet it to him, rather than (as I think more likely) that they know very well that everyone does it and how much it annoys him and how they are bound to get blocked, but it’s worth it just to rile him. In an ideal world every one of Lord Sugar’s 3 million followers would tweet “You’re Fired” to him, wasting vast amounts of his valuable time and leaving him with zero followers. Well one follower. I would never betray him, but also would need to be following him so I could RT his football scores and with everyone blocked I would make oh so much more dosh.
Here are two of Shugs priceless put downs from tonight - @glivvy tweeted to say @Lord_Sugar you're fired”. Lord Sugar laid on the sarcasm with "hah hah you are so funny . Don't be surprised if your wife/ girlfriend / boyfriend dumps you soon”. It’s not going to get Oscar Wilde shaking in his boots, but is effective in its bluntness. Like a verbal shovel to the face.
@joe_crampton said "Lord Sugar how can you correct a persons grammar when you say "you was" instead of "you were" I wonder?” Shugs was not having that and came straight back with "...shut up”. Another person might have been tempted to pick up joe crampton on his own poor grammar and lack of possessive apostrophes. But Sugar doesn’t countenance bull-shitters or people with A levels and so went for the earthy “shut up” and left off the full stop to make his point.
And he was proud enough of these retorts that he wanted to share them with all his followers. These were RTs, not replies. He made heroes of the people he tried to subjugate and of the verbs he failed to subjugate (that might not make any sense but it was too good a joke to resist and let’s face it that wouldn’t have stopped Lord Alan).
The poor low-level bantz helped me through a night of watching TV and following another disastrous York City score on the internet. If only Lord Sugar would tweet about the Minstermen’s games then I would never have to do anything else and could make my RTs my career.
