Tonight, in a fit of curiosity mingled with boredom and irritation, I shaved my beard off. It is the first time I have been clean-shaven all year. I've been quite enjoying the bearded look even though my beard is a bit strange: it pretty much only grows on the underside of my chin. Some people think I've deliberately shaved the patches on my face to create an interesting and stylish effect, but they are wrong. My beard merely grows where it chooses and it finds my cheeks and my chin to be an inhospitable terrain.
I can't work out if the lack of beard makes me look older or younger. As my double chin is no longer concealed behind a mask of hair it certainly makes me look fatter. And my face, which was once under-lined, now lacks this emphasis. Suddenly I am no longer familiar to myself. My reflection is a stranger. But he's an unbearded stranger, which is surely infinitely preferrable to a bearded one.
I am surprised I ever grew a beard at all. In my one man show, "Richard Herring is All Man" (which you can read,if you've really got nothing better to do, elsewhere on this site) I was fairly dismissive of face fungus, claiming that my grandfather had once warned, "Never grow a beard, my son," before adding that, "Beards only grow on monkeys and cunts" - in actual fact, neither of my (unbearded) grandfathers had ever said such a thing; it was a quote from the grandfather of a friend of mine, Mike "Devon" Cosgrave.
But I adopted it as being created by my own family, because, basically I agreed with the basic premise. So keen was I on the saying that I was sacked from the radio show "The 99p Challenge" - I think - for making the same comment, even though I did it in such a way that it could easily be expunged from the final edit.
Of course in reality I know some very nice people with beards (as well as a disproportionate amount of idiots). Ironically,
Mike "Devon" Cosgrave, has grown a fine one of his own. How would his grandfather feel about this? And which epithet would he choose describe his own flesh and blood, who had so openly and hirsuitely defied his wishes?
It was easy to be so defiant against facial hair, despite its persistent attempts to erupt from our skin, because back then we were too young to grow anything more than a whisper of a whisker. We might have managed a sort of ghostly beard apparition which would float mysteriously in front of our chins, but it was easier to be rid of it and affect disinterest, rather than admit unmanliness.
So maybe I grew a beard finally, because I could. But I think my main motivation was laziness: shaving every day is a terrible chore. You girls think periods are bad, but at least they only happen once a month. We men have to shave on a daily basis - sometimes using cold water- it really hurts. Plus, more often than not, it makes us bleed. Daily, not monthly!
You women will never ever know the pain of having to get rid of unnecessary bodily hair. Never!
No, you won't. Shut up. I know what I'm talking about here.
And if you did, then at least that hair never manifests itself on your chin and upper lip. Don't be ridiculous. It never does. Never! Oh, on this issue you all seem to feign agreement.
I think I also grew a bit of stubble, because I thought it might me attractive to the opposite sex. My girlfriend of the time certainly liked it (though clearly not enough to be my girlfriend of the time now that I need her).
Perhaps I have now reverted to my boyish good looks (if the boy we're talking about had some kind of glandular trouble, and had possible developed a kind of shrunken wrinkled gonk face as a result of drinking a little bit of water out of a false Holy Grail) in the hope that women will prefer me this way.
Of course, if I discover that they're not really interested in me without facial hair either then I don't know what I'll be able to do. Conclude that maybe it's something about my attitude and personality that turns them away?
Never! Just as sure as women don't know the pain of removing excess hair and never get any hair growing on their faces, my singledom can only be due to the fact that I either do or don't have a furry phiz.
And I will keep shaving or not shaving until I have proven this to be the case.
