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I don’t think I’ve ever been as tired on stage as I was tonight in New Milton. I’d been late to bed and Phoebe had woken up early and we’d had loads of chores to do through the morning and also managed to fit in a walk to the park in the sunshine. Usually Doctor Theatre expels all feelings of weariness and illness once you’re in the spotlight, but tonight even he (or she, sexist) wasn’t doing the job. Somehow and I have no idea now this worked, the performance itself was subtler and better than I’ve done it for a while. There was unexpected nuance and it was coming out of my mouth right even though my brain was unclear about what was coming next. Maybe my conscious brain has been holding me back too long. I need to give in to my subconscious and the Me2 within me. He’s a brilliant comedian.
It was a particularly tuned in audience which perhaps made things easier and spurred me on. But maybe the knowledge that I was so close to utter exhaustion meant that I kept super focused.
I was particularly pleased with an unplanned bit of material that came out of nowhere. On the drive through the New Forest I’d been surprised to see several horses or wild ponies standing more or less in the road and as I discussed the benefits of the countryside I started saying how great it was to let horses stand in the road and how that could never lead to any problems. I am sure it will turn up on some future episode of the LOTDS podcast (though the pace they are coming out that might take a couple of years). As with most of tonight it was as much a surprise to me as it was to anyone.
I was also working with some new underwear. As discussed in a previous Lord of the Dance Settee podcast, stage underwear is crucial as a performer does not want any genital based discomfort. As a man with freakishly massive genitalia I like to feel snug and secure in my pant area and have recently favoured Diesel underwear which keeps my one-eyed snake and more wrinkly Chuckle Brothers in place. I bought some more of what I thought was the same pant online and they turned up this week. It was only on putting a pair on today I realised they were the kind of trunk underwear that has dispensed with a fly hole. Whilst this is fine for on stage when I rarely, if ever, take out my penis, it is an inconvenient design if you are planning to urinate at any point whilst wearing the pant. Instead of poking your Gulliver’s Hose through the little hole, you have to pull your pants down from the top, like a 3 year old child, which means (and as I say, my genitals are almost deformed in their hugeness so I might not be typical) that the pant catches on the underside of the skin flute and can thus be an obstruction to flow. And if you are not careful this can lead to an unpleasant incident where the pink lighthouse is placed back inside the panting area and the trapped wee now releases itself down your leg. And I can’t really see any practical way of urinating without undoing the full trouser, which seems insane for an adult. I genuinely can’t understand why any man would want this fly-less boxer short, unless he had a colostomy bag fitted and didn’t need to toilet.
I struggled through and managed the wees that I needed without getting the wee on myself or in my pants, but I am annoyed that I’ve now got three pairs of these inconvenient pants and I wonder who it is who likes them and why they even make them. Please let me know if you are a man who favours this kind of lady pant and please mark your email, “I like having pants with no fly in them and consequently my pants and trousers and genitals are a festering swamp of stale urine."
