The fly in my flat has been super-persistent and super-annoying for the best part of a week now. He has managed to avoid all my attempts to swat him and ignored my offers of liberation by refusing to fly out of open windows and doors (even though he must have known I was risking letting in more flies with my humane offer to release him from this prison back into nature where he belongs). He seemed intent on flying in my face and following me around and being as irritating as possible. The only minor victory I had over him was managing to shut him in the bathroom one evening. But he likes it in there because it's where the toilet is and anyway Ben Moor then came home and let him out almost straight away. How long would this fucker live? (the fly, not Ben Moor, though he is irritating too). Wasn't he lonely? Didn't he want to be free?
My wife had tried to spray him with her deodorant a couple of times, but he didn't seem to mind it and relished the fact that he would be sweat free for 24 hours. And the room smelled of deodorant which was a bit annoying. Nothing would take this fucker down. But after a morning of bothering me at my computer, the fly then came into the kitchen to bother us at lunch. And I decided enough was enough and spotting a bottle of Jif (or is it Cif now) that I'd used to clean up the kitchen yesterday I took a leaf out of my wife's book of failure and squirted it at the fly. I missed the first time, but as he swirled to avoid the first spray of mist I hit him with another and this time he spluttered and fell to the floor. Even though he must now have been confused (and possibly in pain - oh dear, I hope not) he darted under the table and seemed to be rallying. I couldn't reach him and he tried to fly off, but ironically the fly couldn't fly and he came down again and this time I stamped into a rapid oblivion. My nemesis was now a strange purple/black smear on the floor that looked more like a currant than a creature.
I felt a surge of victory. His reign of terror was over. Our risk of catching disease from him was gone. But then I felt empty and guilty and cruel. I had taken down one of my flatmates. Admittedly he hadn't paid any rent or contributed to the kitty for the food he was eating (and probably shitting on), but he had been here for about a quarter of the Fringe and I had got used to having him around and now he was gone. And I had killed him. Would I have got away with this crime if I had squirted Jif (or Cif) in Ben Moor's face and stamped him to death? All right, I probably would, bad example.
Not only did I have to cope with my conscience, the tiny kitchen now smelled of Jif (or Cif) and we were eating soup, so that pretty much ruined that. I might be able to write a modern day Crime and Punishment about this incident.
Sometimes it's only victory that we realise we are more callous than our enemies.
Other than that it was a good day at the Fringe. I experimented with two unconnected guests at the same time with Paul Provenza and Al Murray, which worked out well. Listen here. And I think tonight's performance of We're All Going To Die! was the best one yet. I am really getting into my stride. It's terrible in many ways to be reviewed in the last week of the Fringe as it's too late to make any difference and yet the show (if it's a new one) is likely to be much better once you've worked on it a bit more. Luckily I got good reviews anyway (certainly the best average I've ever had on stars at 4.25 from 8 reviews), but now the show is really hitting its stride. Weirdly all the 5 star reviews came out first. If they came back they might not like it as much.
Saw Peacock and Gamble and raddled old Ray Peacock has now almost lost his voice as well as having kidney stones. I saw him beforehand and he was croaky and quiet. You wouldn't really have spotted it on stage though. He bellowed and shouted and sang without too many problems. Obviously it's in my interests to tell you that the show was rubbish, but sometimes the truth has to come out and I have already obliterated one tiny, insignificant insect today, so I will tell you that the show is really funny and almost a little bit moving and the only major mistake they have made is getting rid of Naughty Keith instead of getting rid of Peacock and Gamble.