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Tuesday 2nd October 2018

5787/18807

Everyone warned me that if I moved to the country I’d get obsessed about dog shit and bins and they were right, but no one predicted I’d be obsessed with stone-clearing so it’s only 2-1 to everyone.
Yesterday I put the bins out in the morning, just in case I forgot to do it on my return from RHLSTP - it just made sense. 
But when I returned, just after midnight, I was surprised to see that both my brown food bin and my purple rubbish bin had been emptied already. Even though collection isn’t until Tuesday morning. It technically was Tuesday morning, if the bins has been done in the last ten minutes, but I thought it was unlikely that that was the case. And I suspect the villagers would have been rioting if they’d been hit by a late night bin collection waking them up.
So had the bin men come a day early? If so, it was OK for me and anyone else who got their bins out before time, but what of all those who were waiting til the morning, or (assuming the bins had been emptied in the afternoon as seems likely) the evening. I am not a selfish person and I felt awful for everyone else. They might have to wait another fortnight for rubbish collection and another week for food collection. The bins aren’t big enough. This could be an environmental catastrophe.
Also different vans empty the food bin and the waste bin, so this meant both had turned up early. What was going on? Who could solve this village mystery?
This morning on my dog walk I checked a couple of nearby bins. Still full of rubbish. Only I had had my bins done early.  This could lead to a revolution.
But then, later in the day, both bin trucks turned up and emptied everyone’s bins. What the fuck?
What does that mean?
Had both bin trucks been passing through the village on Monday, noticed my bins and the bin men thought - hey let’s save ourselves a valuable two minutes tomorrow, by using up a valuable two minutes today and empty these bins seeing they are here? It didn’t seem likely. I have never seen them pass through on a Monday and I don’t imagine that on their tight schedule bin men have time to aimlessly cruise the countryside looking for bins that are out a bit early due to someone doing a podcast in town.
But if not then what? Some rogue bin collector is out collecting rubbish? And are they good or evil? Are they a superhero who has recognised how stretched services have become and decided to help out themselves under the cloak of night (and hopefully under the cloak of a cloak)? Or are they using my rubbish for some perverted purpose? Was my rubbish stolen for someone to rummage through and pleasure themselves over, as they imagine me throwing it away?
If the latter then they had better like the faeces of children and animals as that made up about half the rubbish collection. Oh shit, I’ve just sent an advert out to rubbish-stealing scatological perverts all over Hertfordshire.
Come on. This is weird right? It’d be pretty hard to empty the rubbish bin without an actual rubbish truck to pick up the wheelie bin. Though if you’re after my food left overs that’s a much easier operation.
I am genuinely at a loss to understand what has been going on. And I am scared. That someone is sitting at home, masturbating into a bag full of dog diarrhoea that I had cleaned out of Wolfie’s cage.
This is not going to be as easy to answer as the bus ticket lamination conundrum.


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