Days Without Alcohol - 94.
I have gigged for seven nights in a row and they've been some extraordinary happenings. I thought the near fight on Sunday would be hard to top, but comedy will always throw something in to the mix. Tonight it was fire!
I was closing at a rather nice gig in Streatham, set out with tables where the charming clientele could eat and drink. It seemed like it would be a good night, which worried me because recently lovely gigs have turned weird the minute I get on. But the drunk female heckler started during the middle act and left before I got on and the first 15 minutes of my set went very well.
Then there was a commotion on the table to my right, but I didn't pay too much notice as although the slightly tipsy party there had been enjoying the gig, they had also been talking throughout. But this noise was different and there was some urgency to the entreaties. I turned and saw that the woman nearest to me had leant back against one of the candles and her hair had caught fire. To begin with it didn't look too bad, but then she turned and I saw that her long thick hair, bunched at the back was burning, flames were almost jumping off her head. Some might tell you that the show must go on whatever happens, but I immediately stepped off the stage to go to this woman's assistance. I am not sure how much I actually did, but her friend and I managed to pat out the slightly unsettling fire on this almost entirely oblivious lady's head.
It was quite an astonishing spectacle and it upstaged my T-shirt based routine somewhat. However good a comedian I am, I am not as entertaining as a woman on fire, nor as amusing as a woman on fire who hadn't realised she was on fire. It certainly changed the whole focus of the gig. It was lucky that her hair was very thick, because she remained largely unscathed, but a lot of hair had gone up in smoke and the thick stench of burnt protein wafted through the room. It was worse than anything that has emanated from my body this week, though luckily I had my own emissions under control or the whole room might have gone up.
The room was abuzz with the incident and it was very difficult for me to follow. In fact a good four or five minutes went by with only occasional comments from me, as the aftermath played itself out. The audience were talking about the fire, looking at the woman and we had to ascertain that she was OK. So the show went a different way, but it was still an entertaining one. I had stayed pretty calm, but did comment that if we hadn't come to her aid her whole head would have gone up and she could have been the new Michael Jackson.
I did say there was a small amount of irony that the routine was the "Give Me Head, Til I'm Dead" and her head had been on fire and she could have been dead, though added that had she actually gone I promised I would have carried on doing the routine as a tribute to her and end it by playing, "Candle in the Wind".
A member of the audience catching on fire is not something you can anticipate and it's unlikely to ever happen again and that's what makes live comedy so great. Not people being set on fire per se, but just the unpredictability of the whole thing. And the way that something can change the whole direction of the night. It was fascinating to be on stage during this happening and to observe the way that everything shifted. For minutes to be passing with very little being said and there being nothing you could actually say. I just had to let it play out. I did comment that we were in deepest, darkest Streatham and maybe she had been condemned as a witch! It was all very good humoured, because luckily no harm had been done.
And let's not make a big deal about it, but I had been a hero, leaping to the aid of any audience member who needed my assistance, despite the danger I was in. Let's not do that. It would be the last thing I wanted, even if I am clearly a hero (though one who can't remember if he actually did anything constructive). So that makes up for the terrible accusations I made about the burned lady's daughter in the aftermath of this whole thing! I love my job.
The woman spoke to me afterwards and was very light-hearted about the whole thing, though did point out that when she had come into the venue and was still sober she had commented on the health and safety aspects of having candles behind the benches. "I said,"Someone could set their hair on fire"", she laughed.
I might carry a little fire extinguisher with me whenever I am on stage from now on, so I can be prepared if this ever happens again!
