Andrew Collings came over for podcast number 113 and there was a little bit of tension in the air. I was worried about how he might have responded to the last AIOTM in which some unusual things were said about the fictional character "Tiny Andrew Collings" and his fictional mother "Mrs Collings". These characters are in no way meant to represent Andrew or his mother
yes they are, they are exact representations of them both.
No, that's not true. I don't even know his mum. But some people get upset if you say rude things about their mothers for some reason and though we've had some fun with overstepping that line in the past I was concerned I might have gone too far. I am fairly convinced that the apparently placid and easy going Collings will snap at some point and batter me to death with a podcast studio. And I won't blame him for that. Still waters run deep and I deserve to die and I would ask the judge at the trial to let tiny Andrew go and in fact reward him. He's had to put up with a lot. And it's going to get worse when he hears next week's AIOTM.
But we got through a slightly odd and tetchy podcast in the end and we made Andrew some salmon and vegetables, so hopefully he isn't bottling anything up. You can hear the first fracture in a double act that has run for over two years (and longer if you include the original 6Music shows) here .
For the moment Andrew needs me and too much of his work is reliant on me being breathing and alive and on good terms with him. But once he has won a Foster's comedy award for best newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe 2010, then he can kill me and dump me in some woods and get on with his career.
I actually like the way that the Tiny Andrew Collings character has mutated and gone out of control this series. It's as frightening to me as it is to Andrew. Once parody is so separated from reality then surely it means that it's become a separate entity. Tiny Andrew Collings has achieved self-awareness. The only thing that can destroy Collings and Herrin is if the real Andrew Collins achieves the same feat.
It would be a shame if it went really wrong. It is, by happenstance, a really effective double act, with Collins playing the Nicholas Parsons style stooge to amazing effect. His sense of responsibility and morality and fair play, along with his unquestioning devotion to the rules of the BBC make him the perfect foil. I think in Collings and Herrin and AIOTM we are inadvertently creating the spirit of a lot of 1950s BBC comedy shows, but with swearing in them, rather than innuendo. I like to see both podcasts in that tradition. It's kind of apt.
All I ask Andrew is that when you do kill me you do it in a podcast and upload it and send it off to Orange Mark with my lifeless corpse beside you on the sofa. So that you only have the time it takes for the first person to listen to the thing to effect your escape. I am all about showbiz. Comedy is my life and so it must be my death too.
I had spent the earlier part of the day writing the copy for this year's Edinburgh leaflet and putting the final touches to the programme.
This is what I came up with for the leaflet. Some of it might be funny enough to make it into the actual show.
From the Gospel according to Richard
33 Jesus Christ â Son of God. Saviour of Mankind. Superstar.
2 Richard Herring - Son of Keith, a retired headmaster. Once saved a spider that had become trapped in his bath, only crushing three of its legs in the process. 3 Hosted 10 episodes of a chatshow about poker on a satellite channel which subsequently closed down! 4 At first sight they have little in common. Or do they?
5 And Herring did say
âJesus is cool, itâs just all the people who follow him who are such idiots.
Heâs like the Fonz in that respect.
Only those with ears will understand.â
34 For Herring did say âMy dad thinks Jesus is a God, but I think that he was just a good bloke, who lived around those times, doing good deeds.â 2 And what made the angels most sad was that he genuinely thought that he was the first person to make this clichéd point. 3 And the Holy Ghost descended upon him in bodily form, as a dove, with the face of a lamb, and a voice came down from Heaven, 4 âThou art a twat, Richard Herring, if you are so sure there is no Jesus then why do you spend so much time reading and talking about him? 5 And stop spilling your seed on the ground when I am talking to you.â
35 And Richard was sore afraid and hid he from the lord, rending his garment and gnashing his teeth, saying, 2 âAm I secretly concerned that I might be wrong? That lamb-faced dove did just descend and a voice came down from Heaven. 3 Thatâs a bit out of the ordinary. 4 And at the back of my mind I have always wondered if I might be Jesus, returned at last, just like he promised, only about 2000 years later than planned?â
36 And Herring did kneel and pray âMy Father, who Art Garfunkel believes in too, 2 Am I the one who is to come or shall we look for another?â 3 And the Lord was angry with this snivelling, seed-covered whelp and did cry out âYou are not worthy to eat the crumbs from under my table.â 4 And Richard did ask, âI donât think I want your table crumbs anyway. I am not a mouse.â 5 And the voice did say, âThey are really nice crumbs, nicer than any earthly food. Like Nandos but better.â 6 And Richard did licketh his lips and did covet the crumbs and said, âWhat if the crumbs had been swept up and put in the bin? You wouldnât want them then. Might I have them?â 7 âNo!â 8 âWhat even though theyâve got all bin juice and garlic peel and coffee grounds on them?â 9 âNot even then, for I am jealous and slightly selfish and possibly mentally ill God and I would rather my crumbs went to waste.â
37 And Herring did go into the wilderness, known as Edinburgh, where he died many times for you, performing his Holy works. 2 And in the sweat of his face did he create shows like Hitler Moustache, The Headmasterâs Son and Talking Cock. 3 And then thought heâd move to a nice air-conditioned venue at the Assembly Rooms to avoid all that unpleasant face sweat. 4 And he gained disciples via the Collings and Herrin podcast and As It Occurs To Me. 5 And lo! He reworked and rewrote his hit 2001 Fringe show, with loads of new bits, but still with that great routine about all the begatting and Booz of Rachab. 6 And he decreed that anyone who heard the word and did not follow him, would burn for alway in Hell, with otters nibbling at their most secret places.
7 And the Guardian did say â"Hilarious. Makes the Bible something of a comedy classic. One of the highlights of this year's festival. ****"
8 And the Metro did say, â"For a 21st Century take on religion, the wisest words are written in the Gospel According to Richard. ****â
Tickets are on sale in a few days. I will give you a nudge. COAB is on at (I think) 9.45pm at the Assembly Rooms for the whole run. Collings and Herrin is on a 3pm at the GRV Wednesday-Sunday of 1st and 2nd week and a one off As It Occurs to Me in on August 17th at 2pm at the Assembly Rooms. And Tiny Andrew Collings or Andrew Collins, whichever entity survives their ultimate showdown will be doing his show at the Free Fringe at some time or other for the first couple of weeks!
And if you can't make it to the Fringe but are sensible enough to live in or near to London then you might like to know that there is another live Collings and Herrin podcast happening at the Bloomsbury Theatre (if we're still talking by then) on 27th September. It's really worth booking early for this one - these things are starting to sell out very quickly.