4526/17445
My funnest day yet with my daughter. Phoebe has started to have a go at pretending to talk which is terrific fun. She’s such an idiot that she doesn’t realise she’s talking gobbledygook, or maybe she’s such an idiot that she thinks I am just talking gobbledygook which she is accurately copying or maybe she’s not an idiot, I am talking gobbledygook and she’s doing a brilliant satire of me. But it’s terrific fun to have a pretend conversation with her where we just go bloobyblahbygloogy at each other and make out that it means something.
Then tonight after she’d been a bit of a handful for my wife at bath time I put her in her little chair which plays music to her as it rocks her and I sang stupid words along to the tunes (one of which seems to be the Z-Cars theme, but I am sure it must be something else). She joined in singing along (after a fashion - at least she was making some noise) and really enjoying herself, giving me massive smiles and chortles. And then open mouthed laughter! It was such fun and definitely the best laugh I’ve ever got in my life. It’s cool to pretend that our relationship will always be as simple and enjoyable as these few seconds (in a day where she also sat facing me, using my legs as a sofa and happily defecated into her nappy with no thought of how unpleasant that might be for me) and for the moment I can pretend that I am going to be the first dad who gets it bang on right all the way and has a perfect and unselfish child and non-petulant teenager.
But I am loving the way that the bonds grow stronger and while the chats and the laughter help with that, it’s the 5am nappy changing and the screaming about some non-specific slight and the feeding and the burping that makes these bonds grow strong. In the middle of the night as I held her, trying to release trapped air and to calm her to get back to sleep her little arms stretched round me and her hands held me and she gave me what felt like a hug. Even though it probably wasn’t that from her point of view it’s the magic that strengthens the ties that bind us. It makes me happier than I’ve ever been. And this evening we took advantage of the spring sunshine and went for a walk in the park as a family. All these years searching for happiness and validation via the approval of strangers and working through sunny days and feeling lost and alone and now I realise that I walk in the park with the two best people on the planet gives me all of those things. If I can make either or both of them laugh (and my wife is a much tougher nut to crack as she is all too well aware of my schtick) then that’s enough.
I am not about to give up my job, as I still get some pleasure from making big nerds like you laugh and think and I know that there are horrors to come and I am still filled with dread and fear about all that could go wrong and even though I would have loved whatever had come out of my wife on 10th February (though I haven’t formed such an attachment to the placenta), I am delighted to feel this contentment. We’re making some changes and my focus is shifting and some of my stupider projects are already fading away (though I really want to get a frame of snooker in, I have been sacked from the Warming Up Podcast for punching my producer Terry). In the long run it might force me to focus on the profitable work, but Jesus, I am nearly 48 and it’s taken me this long to realise what Jim Carey realises in 90 minutes in all his films, that actually family is more important than work. But they never do the sequel where he’s given up his work and now can’t feed or clothe his family and realises that there’s probably some work/life balance in the middle there which is the sweet spot.
But if all the stupid hard work I did in the last 20 years has bought me the security and time to be with my daughter now, then I am very glad my focus was “wrong” for so long. In this job it’s easy to compare yourself to others and be sad or bitter that you’re not doing as well as them, but every now and again I look at what I’ve achieved and how I’ve kept going and I realise I’ve done more than OK. And I’ve somehow wangled it so that I can make a good living and go to the park with my family without anyone knowing who I am. Again there’s a delicate balance there - if I could get everyone who likes me to persuade one more person to like me then I think I would be in the perfect spot of being able to do exactly what I wanted, earn enough money and not impact on my life. But the danger is that you idiots will tell 2 people how good I am and then they will tell 2 more and everything will be ruined. Though to be fair, you’ve done a pretty good job of keeping me secret for the last decade, so I thank you for your consideration.
I know life will throw a custard pie in my face, or drop a safe on me and I know that fatherhood is going to have some awful, painful challenges, but today, when my daughter properly laughed with me for the first time - that’s as good as it gets. The bad things just make the good things mean so much more. And if, by chance, I am not around when you read this, Phoebe, thanks for today. But not the part where you pooed yourself while sitting on me. That was deeply wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself.
And if I am around when you read this. Tidy your room and no, you can't go out with that boy tonight.
